Knowing when to Move On.

Ria closed her eyes, feeling the breeze.  Squeezing her eye lids tightly, she wondered - if closing them so tight would erase the things she saw, things she said, things she should have never seen or said.  Would the breeze take them with it?  Would it erase everything, take every thing back to the beginning...The beginning when they stood seeing each other.  To the time when words said had no history to bank on, when the way their eyes, mouth, and gestures looked were just the way they were.  Nothing meant, seemed or assumed.  That time, when every cell of theirs was new to the other and so, observed, cause that was the only thing they could do. No record of what the cell was in its original form or shape or voice or thought. No memories of wrongs, said and done, but a curious intention of wanting to know, accept and understand.  The concept completely forgotten once they were together.

With closed eyes she felt her loose, old blouse stick to her body, caressing her.  She felt envious of it, for it had no memory of caressing her or of getting dirty or of being washed.  Unlike her, who remembered every single thing about the Love Close to her, muddied with the thoughts, words and actions over time. As much as she loathed the thought, she knew no amount of washing could ever remove the gunk  settled on their persons.  It felt heavy and dark, like the grease collected over time at the Fryers, that has no choice but to catch fire, only to leave the remains of what was, what has been.  Such is Life...She sighed and opened her eyes.

Looking Over 2010

Its that time of the year when I look back on the year that has passed.  I could say “Its been a good year” Or “All is as it should be” and let it be at that…Hmm, maybe that isn’t a bad idea, after all what can I gain from re-hashing the last year.  On the Other Hand, this could prove an exercise in seeing how much I actually remember, which will show how much I have been PRESENT.

The last year was tough for me in some aspects and easy on others. I missed my mother, the times we talked in the week.  Looking back, I feel guilty for a few things…I wasn’t as Magnanimous as I wanted to be. I was petty in some aspects. I held on when I could have let it go. I spoke when I should have held my tongue. I got mad when I could have walked away. Instead of making choices where I am empowered, I chose indifference and apathy.  All of the above leads to negativity and I had made it my goal to practice being more positive in the daily workings of my life. Of course, I can choose to feel guilty all the time or I can feel guilt once and then let it go. After all we don’t need to punish ourselves more than once for ONE crime.  Note to self :  Keep Practicing being Positive, instead of Thinking of being Positive.

I read a lot last year, but wrote very little. Hopefully, I will get around to doing the reviews of some of the books I read.  I had lots to say about the different things happening around the world, but didn’t feel like saying it. At times I think its cause I am Lazy, at other times I think “What’s the point of saying it anyway? It makes too much noise when I voice it and Nothing will change, except for me expending unnecessary energy.” Note to Self : If you want to say something, just say and be done with it. Make it a discipline to write once a week or everyday for 15 minutes

I haven’t been productive on the financial front… It is something I need to remedy. I haven’t done any doodles or paintings or crocheted or made any jewelry.  I didn’t exercise as much as I had set a goal to do.  I did cook more than usual as I tried out making pickles and baked dishes(my nemesis, I don’t enjoy baking). I did Pranayama more.  I went for more walks but it wasn’t regular.  I practiced flute more but I am not any better at getting the count or the rhythm.  Note to self : Just DO IT.

We had a fantastic Summer… I guess, it will be something to remember for a long while.  We did quiet a lot of hiking. I was amazed at my children for staying with it and not giving up mid way on some of the hikes. We visited Lakes and water falls, we saw birds flying below us, deer in the wild, Turkey vultures in the wild. We experienced the silence of the woods, the sereneness of the lakes, the sunset at the beach. We visited Vancouver and Victoria. And come winter, we went on our first snow shoeing trip at Mount Hood.  It was awesome as it was tiring.  This was the only place we had to turn back before we finished the trek, cause my daughter wasn’t very happy with the cold creeping up her fingers and toes. We did archery a lot. I am a bad shot…I cant hit the bulls eye if it were staring at me. I wonder what happened to the shot that was me, could it be that my eyesight is failing?  My children are better than me. Of course, my Husband is PERFECT :P.

I am going to hit the big 40 this year…I am trying to understand what the big deal is, when I really don’t feel the age and I don’t mean that I don’t have wrinkles or grey hair or times when I forget what I wanted to say, as I was saying it. I seem to be on a see saw…There are days I wake up thinking “Oh No! I am going to be late to school. I will miss my bus” and then there are days when I wake up thinking “Oh do I really need to get up, couldn’t someone else take over and leave me alone” But there are things that haven’t changed – I am very easily amused. I tend to see what others missed. I still choose to have peace. I still Live and Let Live.  I still like to spend time alone.  I LOVE my early morning Coffee. I love good stories, movies, books, poetry, sculptures. I still love the trees and flowers and still hate the feeling when I see the spider. I love sleeping in on cold days and waking up at the crack of dawn during warm days. I love the sunshine, the wind in my face. I still hate getting my hair cut.  I still have an accent when I speak English and I still look typically Indian.  My preferences in food, hasn’t changed- still cant stand milk and still love Indian food. Oh and Last but not least, I still have the SAME Husband , children, family and friends that I had last year *giggling*.

My family has been my source of joy.  Yes, the dynamics in the relationship is changing. My children are becoming more independent, more opinionated, more knowing than I was at their age. My husband still makes me laugh, still listens to my late night rants and still makes me feel the extremes of emotions. My father makes me wonder if I wasnt switched at birth. My brother makes me swing between being grateful hes there and wishing he wasnt there.  So the way I figured, I have HOPELESS relationships with Men *giggling*. Its the women in my life that keep me even keeled, head in the right place.  Guess we cant have everything.

On the Internet, I have enjoyed some awesome reads, spoke to really  Lovely People, Practiced speaking bits of Korean. To All my friends here on Multiply, Thank you! for being who you are.  When you Write, leave comments, have conversations with me, you make my world a more beautiful place. I value your thoughts and comments. They show me parts of me I didn’t know about, they re-enforce the ones I knew, they help change the ones that aren’t helping me. I hope your visits here are as enjoyable as my visits with you.

This year… I am going to rewire my brain to change some definitions for words I generally use.

Abundance – it used to be “having as much as I need materially, emotionally, spiritually”. This year it will be “The ability to do what you want to do, when you need to do it” I want to remove the others in the equation… waiting on others is a path to disappointment.

Discipline – It used to mean “having a routine to incorporate all that needs to be done and strictly following it. If I cant follow it then there is some form of punishment”. This year it will be “Mastering myself to regulate my own conduct when needed to follow rules, my own and those that are conducive to a Joyful Life”  I realize that the need for enforcement comes only when I am unable to be the Master of Myself.

Listening – It used to be “If I am free and interested in what you are saying I will listen”. This year it will be, “Listening, when you come up to me and wish to be listened to. Paying full attention, to the person talking, without looking at the time or letting my mind wander. Listening without thinking about the next thing I need to do, without any judgment or preoccupation.” I realize that most times, my brain is busy trying to figure the NEXT thing to do or get done, that when my children come to tell me something, I am half listening. I need to change that.

Now as this year moves ahead. I hope, in spite of what looks like chaos around us, ALL of us move through with the Knowing that at Any Moment all we need to do is BE All there. We have a choice in every moment to chose Harmony or Chaos, for peace is within us.  To make it through with all of our Being, in whatever shape or form we are, to do our best. When we get to the end of this year, I hope, we can look back with more smiles than regrets and say “It was a Good Year”.

Thank you all for reading through and for leaving your thoughts. Have a Wonderful Year!

Peace

Rashmi

Creative Challenge #124 - Trickle Down.

Ria is glad to be home.  There is something about the country of birth that she cant quite put her finger on.  She wonders why the phrase has always been "put a finger on" cant it be "put a toe on" or any other appendage? Never mind, She was glad to be home. 

Early next morning she takes her camera and goes out for a walk.  Its been five years since she was last here.  Five years since she walked these streets or saw so many people of the same hair, eye and skin colour as her own. Five years since she walked to get milk or groceries. Five years since she heard the Koyal's call or saw street dogs and cows roam free.  Five years since she saw autorickshaws, heard the temple bells ring or the call to Azaan.  She soaked all the sounds and sights to her minds saturation as she clicked what she knows she maynot see again once she leaves here.  It felt so good. The roads, the stores, the vegetables, fruits and people seem to have shrunk.  She smiles as it occurs to her that she now has a new frame of reference through which she is viewing what she once knew. She titles it "The US lens".  In the past five years, she got accustomed to 4-6 laned roads with traffic following the rules, people who are on an average taller and bigger than the puny Indian she is, stores that are huge that she needed a map to navigate through, grocery just left for our picking, a life lived Kingsize or in her instance, Queensize.

She looks across the Main road that marks the boundary of the neighbourhood where she lives and notices the small make shift cardboard and tarp shelters that have cropped up. "Oh a Slum so close?"  She wonders if no Minister of the Parliament lived close by. If he/she did, slums wouldnt dare crop up in the locality.  She sees that the Old Fair Price Depot has moved to a bigger lot, yet the queue is long for kerosene.  She remembers her childhood when she stood in those queues waiting in line for the ration of sugar, rice, palm-oil and wheat. It felt like so long ago yet the sight brought back the same sense of lack she felt as a child, a sense of inadequacy, of knowing only the lower rungs of the ladder of wealth and a sense of Having Not. Ironic she thinks...when you read about all the "progress and industry" , "India Shining" slogans, the "Emerging Superpowers of India and China" headlines along with the "trickle down" effects of economy that the media outside India, churns out. Yes she thinks as she returns from her walk, whatever Trickled Down probably never touched the ones who lived on the Floor.

Tour the Creative Challenge #124

Creative Challenge # 82- December

To Love Thine Enemy

 

That year, the cold winter seemed colder without you

 Though warm fires burn at the very thought of you.

Standing under the starry shared sky,

My eyes didn’t see you  yet you flowed from them.

I hoped you thought of me with a smile, in that far off place

Where the hearts spaces meet and blend,

 Remembering our long, winding journeys alone,

Unknowingly walking towards each other.

Such Irony it is, to meet and know you are the ONE

And in the role of  enemy,  the ONE I must kill

To keep the promises made to the long dead.

I’ve always known revenge needs two graves,

One for my enemy  and One for Me.

A  fool I have been to walk this path,

But to back off now,  would mean sure Death.

 

I needed to hold on to a piece of you.

And so it was on that Cold December night,

When you kindled the embers at the fireplace,

And I cooked our last meal,

Laced  with wintersweet.

You enjoyed its deliciousness

While I knew this was the end.

 

I needed to keep my word to the ones who’d gone before.

And so it was on that Cold December night

I got my revenge, I kept my promise

As we held on to each other, as we talked

Watching you close your eyes

Watching them open one last time

I kissed your forehead and made my dying wish

To Love you again, on the same side.

 

Creative Challenge # 82

Tuesdays thoughts

On Sunday we took our children to a Waterpark resort. I did not feel like going and after going there I did not want to do anything.  On Monday morning, I get a call that I have been dreading..My brother called to let me know my Mother passed away. I dont know why I felt the way I did but it felt like someone kicked me in my gut.  Logically, I knew she was ill, that she wasnt going to be here for long so I shouldnt feel the way I am. Right?  She was cremated yesterday.

Some part of me is Numb cause it wants to deny that she is gone. Some part of me is Happy cause now she need not suffer the pain via the numerous hospital visits, the numerous needle pokes, the numerous medicines she has to consume, the aches and pains and the tiredness. Some part of me wants to scream in anger cause it wants her there till I am dead...which my rational knows is completely illogical.

I am used to loneliness, in fact, I crave it sometimes but I like having the choice to be able to meet the people I want to when I want to.  I am feeling particularly Lonely now, even when I believe that she'll always be a part of me and the generations to come.   I know I wasnt there all the last 13 years but shes a part of my life that was always there.

I've tried to not let my sadness spill onto my children... Its just hard, guess it will get easier, if I wait it out.  These past few months, I've lost quite a few people in my life...why does it pour when it rains?

I feel afraid for my Father.  He's been the sole caregiver so far and his days were filled with doing things for her... Now while he might breathe a sigh of relief, I wonder if he will be able to cope with the "nothing to do" syndrome.  And he's too Proud to accept any help.

My brother seems to be fine or may be hes showing his stiff upper lip...Most affected is my favorite cousin, my mother was a second mom to her so its going to be tough for her.

The weather is not co-operating, the sun is shining...when I want it to be dreary so that I can blame the weather for my sadness. Irony?

I am going to get into the chores, its the best therapy I know, it keeps me sane.

Take care and Have a wonderful Week ahead.

Peace
Rashmi.

Hunkered

Heart heavy as grains in a Silo,
My voice, sunken to a new low,
Let me be in my alone-ness,
Do not show me kindness,
As I hunker from you,
Let me, in my sorrow wallow,
Like buffaloes in  muddy fallow,
As uplifting as your love is,
In hurt's wake, it leaves an abyss.

Beyond Reach

Standing together
Facing each other
In an unspoken circle
Saying little
Talking a lot
Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow.

To be Right
Forever be Right
I try to understand
Reaching out far
Stretched fingertips touch
Yet, I fail to grasp
Then
Now
Forever
Same like when we started
Our Talk
Saying little
Talking a lot
Still in that circle
Shaking my head
Failing to grasp.

Poetry Wednesday - From a Distance

Checking my appearance
Tying imagined Double knots
Around my skippity heart.
Breath steady,  now ready,
With a clop of the heels
I walk past you
Thinking “no thoughts”
As we work Side by side
Like Ants in a Bivouc,
Each day,  knowing theres
Nothing you could do
Even if you knew of
The skipped heartbeats.

We lunch together
As collegues do
Sitting at the table
With those others
Smiling, as we pass the salt
Completely unaware are you
Of the control I exercise
To not reach for your hand
Of the calories spent
Trying not to think of you
The nights spent
In imagined if only’s
Wishing, I didnt wish for you.

I stack the files on your table,
Indicating what needs doing.
Pulling a veil over my eyes,
Hoping to hear my name,
Just so, I have a few more moments,
In your presence.
The moment passes,
With the clop of my heels.
Straightening my back,
With seeming dignity,
I walk through the door,
Doing the only thing I can do,
Love you from afar.

Saunter through to Sans Souci's Poetry Wednesday Tour

Obsession

The light that shines on you
In your blinded hour
The breeze that cools you
On the hottest day
The firmest rock
In your moment of weakness
The comfortable shoulder
That soaks your tears
The person
who makes you smile
The one who warms you
On the coldest night
The chest that holds
The Jewel that you are
Your preciousness
Makes me breathe
So I may Be by your side
Being Obsessed by you
Is my only Obsession.

The Affair

This is my entry for the Poetry Wednesday hosted by Sans Souci 

In the quiet of our hearts
Conversations mute
Remembering-
His wife, my husband
What do we say to them
Wondering-
Where do we go from here?
What are we going to do?

Did Fate play its cards right?
Is this the way our life will be?
Resisting the pull
With all our might
Denying each other
As if to spite.
Keeping our silences
With our faces trite.

So close but always apart
Where ever you are
Is where I can never be
Where we are
We'll be lonely.
Passing by, looking in
Looking out, staying in.
Yearning For that
which our minds forbid.

- K P Rashmi

To read other entries go here SansSouci's Blog

What I Want

I have been reading this question off and on over various sites  "what do Men/Women want?".  I have read their answers and then had a train of thought that I put here. I have no real clue what all women want but I can tell you what I wanted. 

When it came to relationships I have always been the loner, the Wait and See person, the introvert, the cold one, the ice queen, the fence sitter(these are all names given to me by someone else, I called myself a Idealist-Realist, a paradox). I try not to have any delusions about what or who I am. I try not to presume what another person is thinking. I don't always succeed but when I do it makes me proud of myself for a short while.

I have always enjoyed good discussions, conversations over coffee/juice but I never made the cut with most, when it came to sports, pop-culture, bar, smoke-drug scene etc. So my immediate circle has been the people I knew for over 5-10 years. Then there were people who I knew from work or just met at someone else's gathering or met through my siblings/cousins/husband etc. I mostly called them acquaintances cause I am very reluctant to use the word "Friend" casually.

I never had a clue about what I wanted when I wanted a relationship. I usually made do with what I got and so far it hasn't been bad. But I did get married and have been for the last 12 years to the same person. I look back and there is this flash of realization and then its gone, but I know what I wanted.. I wanted to be Water in a relationship, something that doesn't give up what it is yet takes the shape of the container its in. Something that is as deep or shallow as need be. I wanted someone with who I could dance the dance of life, moving forward when he moves back, move back when he moves forward, hold him when he falls, have him hold me when I fall, watch him over the distance and feel joy and have him feel joy when our eyes meet, be responsible and share responsibility for what needs to be done in life, Give more than he could ask for and Receive more than I asked for. So far its held. I guess I am blessed. He's shaped me in ways I could never shape myself, I hope I have done the same for him.

I am not saying our life has been a Cake walk with all the icing. Or that its always Joy, but that when there was pain, we were there nursing each others wounds or giving space to the other to nurse their wound in safety. I am not saying there weren't times when we wanted to kill each other, but that when we were that angry, we still remembered the times when we were willing to give each other our lives. I am not saying that we never bored the heck out of each other, but that even in that bored moment we could laugh at the times we had a goofy moment. I am not saying that we weren't tempted to stray or to give up and leave but that in that tempting moment, we saw the value in how much the other gave to keep what we have. Its about those long conversations that run through the night and the long silences when we just sat with each other doing nothing. Its about that chuckle/giggle when the other is feeling low. Its about taking over the others job just so they could rest. Its about considering whats good for the two of us together instead of Taking what "I" want. Its a lot about Giving than the Receiving. Its a lot about willing to keep what you have. Its about remembering the relationship you share, My husband/wife, My friend/lover and wanting to keep that relationship. Its about consideration, respect, trust, understanding and behaving through life the way we can be proud of.

The truth is no matter who you meet and want to have a relationship with, things cant always be smooth-sailing, there will always be things you cant stand about each other and things that you will Love about each other, the trick is to focus on what you love about each other. We are constantly changing, so learning to accommodate changes in each other without losing sight of the goal(being the harbour for each other, working with each other, building a family and yourselves) is what a relationship is according to what I understand.  No matter how much Love or Passion you have, Life is about maintenance and sustenance. Yes you could have a different view, each of you need to know how to work to get to that vision of life for yourself.

I see what I wanted and to a large degree, I got what I wanted.

Missing You

Of all the names, I have heard
Yours is the sweetest song,
I know not the reason
For the way I feel about you
Maybe its the way you make me feel
When I am around you.
Or Maybe it’s the way you feel about me
When you are with me,
Remember you, I do, with all of my soul.
In all the time that we have spoken,
I gave you a part of me, I never knew I had
To you, who came into my heart quietly
And left even more quietly than quietness herself.
I miss you, more than anyone I have missed
So much, that I am afraid to say your name again.

-K P Rashmi

Entry for October 12, 2007 (360 repost)

Random Thought of the Day - All is as it should be. At any given moment, You are where You are supposed to be.

When it comes to religious beliefs, I can range anywhere from being an atheist to a fundamentalist. Although I associate myself with the label of Hindu, I would very much like to use the label- Human. When I look at events where the media quotes the perpetrator of some roit or communal violence, as Hindus, I do feel ashamed for carrying that label. Yes, I do understand that the media quotes are motivated by politics and economics and that the truth can never be found on the NEWS. But it still puts me to shame that we(Hindus) weren't intelligent enough to avoid blame or to behave differently. These are the times I feel like a fundamentalist, that somehow we were right and our path is the right one and the ONLY one and everyone/thing else is wrong. Of course, I cant live on that island of thought for long cause my rational side takes over and will fight its way through to the Live and let live side. My Rational Side has a (I am exagerrating by 1/4's)99.9% chance of always winning(with the exception of arguments with my kids and husband).

As I was reading to my kids the story of Prahlad, I remembered the story of Hiranyakashupu(Prahlad's father) and Hiranyaksha(Hiranyakashupu's brother) that I had read sometime ago. Hiranyakashupu and Hiranyaksha were in their previous life, the doorkeepers at Vaikunta, the abode of Lord Vishnu. It is said that the Kumara rishi's-Sanaka, Sanandana, Sanatana, Sanatkumara and Sanatsujata, came to pay obeisance to Lord Vishnu at Vaikunta. Jaya and Vijaya the door keepers at Viakunta refused to let them in and spoke to them with arrogance. The angered rishis cursed them to a live life on earth forgetting their godliness and closeness to Vishnu. When Jaya and Vijaya realized their folly, they begged Sri Vishnu to help them stay. So Vishnu says that since the exalted ones curse always comes to pass he could only offer a compromise.. He gave Jaya and Vijaya a choice between living on earth for 7 lives as Devotees of Vishnu or 3 lives as Enemies of Vishnu. They wanted to be back at the Lords feet at the earliest so they chose to be enemies of Vishnu in three yugas. In the Krita Yuga(part of the Hindu time cycle, I have a site for it on my blogroll if you are interested in reading about it)they were Hiranyaksha and Hiranyakashupu, In the Treta Yuga they were Kumbakarna and Ravana and in the Dwapara Yuga they were Shishupala and Dantavakra. Hiranyaksha and Hiranyakashupu were considered as Asuras(those embodied with personalities that are quick to choose Anger, Indulgence, Greed etc).

As I remembered, I suffered a sudden insight into why I tend to not act when according to those in my life, I should have. I end up rooted to the spot, lost in thought- This is karma in action. I wonder what my relationship was with this person, in my previous births. Was she/he my friend, child, lover, parent, family elder, the person from my village, my debtor, my creditor, my neighbour? I say Previous Births because I cant see myself as being all that I am today just with the knowledge gained from the last three decades, definitely there must have been many lifetimes through which I have gained certain insights that make me so SURE about certain things in life. Now why I cant remember all my other lives, I havent yet worked on the theory that has convinced me yet. I see myself as a speck or blob of energy. If materially we are composed of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen and each of those elements are composed of atoms, then at the core, we must be an intangible(spiritual) form of energy(of course I wouldn't get a Nobel Prize for that kind of Theory).

This would further be an explanation for the old stories of yore about people levitating, being able to move stuff without touching them, knowing what the animals talk about etc. which is presently considered as a Con. Imagine if all you had to do was to manipulate the way energy flows around you or within you to change an outcome. God, can be explained as that person who through discipline, focusing on the balance, harmony and the present, is able see the whole (as in all that is there in the Universe) picture and manifest changes that is in accordance with the Law of Nature. This might probably be a symbiotic working of all that is there within the known and unknown realms. So it does make sense if the Hare Krishna's say that all is Lila (a play directed by God). Depending on where we stand to view this energy, we could say its outside, inside, both inside and outside, neither inside or outside, non-existent, exists but not understandable, part of us or separate from us.

Applying this thought to all the events happening in our world and the people involved in these events, I feel everything is as it should be. I should not be agitated by the workings of Politicians, the citizens, the criminals etc. because they are just all living out their Nature in accordance with what their Karmic agreements are. Is that an apathetic view? I don't know. If we are all doing what we are supposed to be doing, then maybe it seems chaotic only if we watch them at the same level as the events, Maybe if we flew in an airplane looking down, the events would seem very patterned, very orderly, in the process of various degrees of movement or stillness.

I could go on with this till the cows come home but my feet just landed on the ground. So I am Done with Being the Dreamer/Thinker for the day. Now back to Chores in the my world.

As Usual

Pondering while working

Wishing all Peace

Mithuna.

Reflections on a Deathbed. (360 repost)

I have lived. I know not if I lived well or lived badly, but live, I did. My Voice has grown soft over the years, for life doesn't need to hear me loudest. My voice has been tempered with what my eyes have seen, ears have heard and my heart has felt. My eyes have lost sight. My heart has taken over the job of my eyes and it seems to see better. My ears have hushed but my skin feels the heart beat of those around me. Life has been very beautiful, quite ambivalent and sometimes ugly. But Live, I did, this life of Mine.

I have ranged from being non-sensical to paradoxical to absolutely stable. To discover the whole range of things I could be was exasperating as well as joyful. I raised a garden, so I could feel the pulse of the earth. I raised the kids, so I could feel my immortality. I raised livestock, so I could feel the connectedness in the difference. I have nourished others, in the hope that, I have nourished their souls. I haved nursed the sick, so I could heal myself of hurts. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been angry, I have been patient and impulsive, I have fallen from grace and risen from it too. I have wished for death and I have wished Life Goes on forever. All the while, Living this Life of mine.

I may not be accomplished or successful the way you see it, but I have observed and experienced, where-ever I have stood. I have felt the snap of a breaking heart. I have felt the weight of gratefulness. I have seen the strength of Faith. I have felt the tallness of Intergrity. I have felt the freedom of giving. I have felt the joy of un-restrained laughter and the pain of un-cried tears. I have Hated and Loved and felt all the in-betweens. Most of all I have Loved- Loved the ones I came through; Loved the ones who blessed me with their friendship; Loved the One who set My heart on Fire; Loved the ones who came through me; Loved the ones who have shared short journeys with me. Yes! I have loved in My Life, and somehow, everything else seems inconsequential in the light of that one event. Yes, I have lived well, this Life of mine.

You and I (360 repost)

What name could I give
To this thing that IS
Between You and I?
Try as I might
No words can explain,
That which is there yet not there.
Trying not to see
Or is it just Me,
Not wanting to taste
The truth between us?
Is it a waste of Time?
With so much
Happening within and with us
In our silences
Keeping our cold exteriors
While Lava fills the interiors
Anonymous behind the screens
Glad for the Distance
Listening silently
To the same songs
We both like
Afraid to see
How much we're alike
You and I
With our impenetrable walls
Our invisible smiles
Our lives on a Groove
Would we someday perhaps
Cross each other's path
Recognize the other
In some corner of our hearts
Would we then Know
What we are, to each other?

K P Rashmi- August 2007

Changing Constants

Guess there is some something in the air or maybe space( planetary influence?), I have been reading too many things written by different people about Relationships. That is to be expected I guess, Life is mostly about Relationships. If its not with people, its with our surroundings.

I would love for the relationships I really enjoy to be a constant. I dont mean everything about the relationship to stay constant, I want flexibility within the relationship to be a constant.. does that sound like an oxymoron- A Constant Flexibility? The kind of flexibility that allows us to change while still holding, as we know more about ourselves and others around us.

One relationship that has changed and I cant do much about it(cause it requires this huge effort I am unwilling to put) is that which I share with myself. Yes it does seem odd, but I never claimed to be the most "Normal"(if there is such a thing) person. Over time, I notice things that have changed within me, some of them really good changes(holding my tongue/thought for instance) and some not so good changes(my relationship with exercise for instance). Now, I dont mind the changes for the most part, I am just making observations. The one constant that has been is giggling, I used to tickle very easily as schoolgirl and as college girl and well, that hasnt changed. I am a giggly person. I am amused very easily... Guess I should be glad for the blessing.

The One relationship, I dread changing is the one I share with my kids. I am right now their Mother, their guide, their Drill Sergeant, their Safest Guard, their firmest rock, their chest of hugs and kisses, their silly clown at times... and I know its not going to last long. Over the coming years, the only constant will be, that I am their Mother. Everything else might change. On one hand I am glad that they will grow up, find their own niches in life, live up to their potential(hopefully) and fulfill their destiny.. I am also very grateful that of all the people they could have been kids to, they chose us(my husband and I) to come through.

I know, as they grow up there will be things that we may not see eye to eye on, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that they will make wise choices. Hopefully they will be choices that they can live with. I know that they may not want to confide stuff with us like they do now, so I am hoping I can teach them to make and keep trustworthy friends. I dont know what changes in ethics and values will happen in their time, but I am hoping that no matter what the changes around them, they will always be true to themselves and be able to look into their own eyes in the mirror. Most of all I am hoping that they understand that being happy has nothing to do with how much money or the accolades they get from those around them, but in being able to understand that they have all that they need within themselves.

Some part of my brain says all this could be an illusion, but I love this illusion, so I am keeping it. Hoping this hope of mine comes true and Holds Constant.

With my head in the clouds and feet on the ground,
Pondering as Usual
Mithuna aka Mindsnomad.