Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Creative Challenge #197 - Anticipation

Dearest Death,

I know it seems a tad insane to receive a letter from someone who is "living".  I have finally picked up the courage to say what I want to say to you.  You have been my first love, ever since I felt the existence of love.  I try not to obsessively think of you, to not talk of you, though you are always on my mind.  I have seen that it pains the ones who love me to hear me talk of you.  They worry that I am depressed when they hear me talk of you, when I am actually happy, feeling alive and very curious about you. I couldnt let them experience hurt for loving me, 'cause to me Love is painless, effortless, freeing, non-suffering, like how I love you, and I wish to leave my definition of love with the ones who love me.

I am glad you exist, for I cannot imagine life and living without you.  You make every waking hour, every living moment worth it.  As much as I crave you, I also know, that should I commit to you, I should do so without regret. So I work each day at having no regrets for what I did or I didnt do, what I said or didnt say, what I thought or didnt think.  You complete my existence, giving it a full stop.  You, are the only one who has the right to "The End" of my story.

I have heard the way people talk of you, some with reverence, some with awe but most with Fear. I understand most would avoid looking you in the eye.  I find the idea of you curiously thrilling.   I dream of staring into your eyes and smiling.  Sometimes I day-dream of conversing with you, while sharing a cup of coffee with you.  I wonder what your answers will be to my questions of the existence or non-existence of soul, what happens when the living are dead, if its really the end, what credentials are required to go away with you. I dont know if I satisfy all your criteria for your acceptance of me but I always hope and work towards qualifying at some point in time.

In anticipation of your friendship,
Your Secret Admirer.

Tour the CC #197

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Creative Challenge #151 - In Gratitude to Memories

“She passed away”, said the voice over the phone.  I knew who, without any mention of names or titles. I agreed and disagreed but let my agreement show with “I see” and buried my disagreement “She’s in me and in you, she passed yet she hasn’t” within the deepest caves of my being.

I wait for the heavy silence to make a noise…Nothing, absolutely nothing broke the silence, except for the lines click, breaking the connection. 

Somewhere I hear the echo "This moment will have passed too, in a moment or two, Just as she did pass away, within my life’s span, this day"

So many others have passed too…without an acknowledgement of their passing. In the days of childhood was She; She, in my youth; She, in my memories; She, in my experiences; She, within the days of impulsivity; She, the nights of yearning; She, my dream star; She, my fickle desire, She, my obsessive ambition, all, now past.  I count the ones who left without a whisper, yet the biggest noise was apparent in the way I passed away, in each moment, from what I was, to what I am only to become what I was.  The seemingly unimportant, mundane times, that came in without fanfare and left without a farewell, or funeral, or wreaths or people in procession or tears of loss, marking the moments of my life. Yet, it was Her passing that brought these thoughts.

With each passing, I unconsciously record my history…I think it should be her-story.  The things that shaped me are in those passing. What I am, became etched, like invisible tattoos, from those passing through, passed by and will pass by. I look back at how far I have come, how many I have lost, how many I left behind, digging into the records, only to realize, the far, was near, the lost, are found and the left, are with me. I understand, I cannot live from my history, I can only move forward, consciously making new pathways. I can only imagine a future and fervently wish its manifesting. I can only be in this Moment, and Know it will Pass. What I see, touch, taste, smell and feel become important, only because I know it will Pass and I can only hold on so long.  And so, I feel grateful, for memories…and work at keeping them true.

 

Tour the wordsmiths abode at CC #151

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Illogical Verse

Theres nothing New
Only old, repackaged as New.
Yet, brightness reigns
In the Dreary Rains.
Sentencing new sentences,
With old words.
Pretending new pretences,
Amidst curtain folds.

Scent noses its way, into my nose
Poppies snatch their afternoon doze.

Love hides on the lip of the toad
Loving floats on lily pad road.

Hate stealthy pilfers the heart,
Deligent Mind rends it apart.

Tickles laugh behind my knee.
As Ears begin to see.

New thoughts form
With unearthly norm.
Death, lives on
While Life, dies off.
Sweet dreams, sleep
As sleep, dreams.
Yearning Fruits
From harvested Truths.

P.S.  This was inspired by Teresa's blog - Under the Sun. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Your Leaving

It is eighteen months, since your leaving
Eighteen months, in unseen mourning
I eat, drink, work, sleep and  wake
Keeping the pretence of a serene lake.

I refuse to cry
I know not why
Lacking courage, to ever pry.

Walking in silence outside the door
Afraid to delve into the core
Shunning thoughts that crave my voice
Watching emotions that refuse my choice.

I wait for release
Bound by time's lease
Knowing you will always be, my memories.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Creative Challenge # 82- December

To Love Thine Enemy

 

That year, the cold winter seemed colder without you

 Though warm fires burn at the very thought of you.

Standing under the starry shared sky,

My eyes didn’t see you  yet you flowed from them.

I hoped you thought of me with a smile, in that far off place

Where the hearts spaces meet and blend,

 Remembering our long, winding journeys alone,

Unknowingly walking towards each other.

Such Irony it is, to meet and know you are the ONE

And in the role of  enemy,  the ONE I must kill

To keep the promises made to the long dead.

I’ve always known revenge needs two graves,

One for my enemy  and One for Me.

A  fool I have been to walk this path,

But to back off now,  would mean sure Death.

 

I needed to hold on to a piece of you.

And so it was on that Cold December night,

When you kindled the embers at the fireplace,

And I cooked our last meal,

Laced  with wintersweet.

You enjoyed its deliciousness

While I knew this was the end.

 

I needed to keep my word to the ones who’d gone before.

And so it was on that Cold December night

I got my revenge, I kept my promise

As we held on to each other, as we talked

Watching you close your eyes

Watching them open one last time

I kissed your forehead and made my dying wish

To Love you again, on the same side.

 

Creative Challenge # 82

Friday, October 2, 2009

Tsunami Thoughts

Another Tsunami hits Indonesia and other Island Nations in the Pacific.  More deaths and devastation.  We have no control over this event. I cant imagine what the people there are going through...In my own selfish way...I am hoping two of my blog-mates from the surrounding areas are safe and alive. 

Tsunami of Oct 1st 2009

Among the moonbeams
Along the ocean's seams
Ride silvery waves
Leaving lonesome caves
To far off lands
Across the sands
As salty tears
Drip at the chaotic piers
Over lives lost, so many
In another Tsunami
Wishing it wasnt so
Knowing it is so
Palms join in focussed thoughts
May grieving hearts find safe spots.

-Rashmi Oct 2009

Friday, July 4, 2008

Creative Challenge 9 : A moment in Time

Leafing through the Album
Eyes scan the Photos,
Black and white and colour
The  smiles and frowns
The stiff and candid
Cherished memories
Though twas a moment in time.

The whispered nothing
The Cheeks blushing
The shyly held hands
At love's beginning
The coyness in the eye
Cherished youth
Though twas a moment in time.

The silent words mouthed
Behind an elder's back
Beneath the Mango tree
The stolen kisses
At our parents home
Cherished moments
Though twas a moment in time.

The joyful re-union with friends back home
The teasing and affection bestowed
The crash around the bend in the road
Taking you away from me
Twas also a moment in time
Yet, the pain and grief lasted Long
Until, I remembered
All those moments in time
We cherished together
Knowing, you left me
Stronger than I ever was
Now thankful I walk, Holding on
To those precious moments in time.

Waltz through here for Creative Challenge Entries


Thursday, April 17, 2008

Spring of Eternal Life

Standing in the glen at sunset
Heavy was her life's debt
Watching warm light shining through
The tree's rich, green hue.

Stepping on the fallen leaf
Thinking of Death, the thief,
Always lurking close by
Like a worried mother's sigh.

Upon the clear spring
She did chance
Life forever, its waters bring
"What luck!"  joyfully, she did dance.

Till she heard that sigh again
All gone, leaving her to remain
Eternal Life, she looked with disdain
As she felt the world's pain.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Idea of You

Your Thoughts ripple,

In perfect harmony with mine.

The light in your eyes,

Giving me perfect warmth.

Your mind reaches out,

Sending a hum through mine.

Though distant, Feeling close,

I wish to hang on to the idea of you.

If I could, I would,

Like sleep hanging on to the dream.

How Sad a life we lead,

Dying with unquenched desires.

But should it be so,

May you live a little longer than I.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

To my Grandchildren

My bones now creaking like old doors on hinges desperately needing oil, I sit and look out into the distance. The Distance of times gone by appears very sharp. Yes! Most think we humans like to romanticize a by-gone era, simply because of nostalgia for an imagined goodness. There is no one to blame except for time, for that kind of thinking. But I have to try to beat time, to leave you, my grandchildren, an understanding of what I have come to understand. You see, in my present state, that is all I can leave for you-Words from experience and understanding. Goodness comes from understanding what Badness is and learning to Master your Mind to stay away from it. There is no evil, except the unwillingness to make an effort to devote ourselves to that which brings harmony within our minds. If you watched a class with students not paying attention, you will find that the moment the Teacher quietly turns around and watches the Class, each and every student will begin to respond by quieting down. That, is the Silence the Teacher wills INSIDE her mind, moving OUTSIDE to the Students mind. Harmony, like Silence moves from Within to the Without. Cultivate your minds to seek out that which serves harmony.

In the days of my youth, we understood respect because respect was the Norm. An Elder, even if they were born just one day earlier than you were, was given respect because they have irreplaceable experiences that the one extra day gives them. A young one was given respect because they learned by example. Giving them respect meant continuing the cycle of respect, so they know how to respect others. We spoke and addressed the young, the same way we would address someone older than us, that way the thought of ever using disrespectful words have no place in their inheritance. So practice respecting yourself by paying attention to doing and saying things in a manner that increases esteem in your own eyes. Respect for others comes when you know how to respect yourself.

An Elder was the keeper of knowledge- of families traditions, of nature’s working, of all things learned from the foundation of knowledge from those before them. Our Elders knew what it was to be an Elder, the one that guides those depending on their Wisdom. They understood that wisdom was lost when arrogance entered their minds, and hence always acted in Benevolence…They knew to live without infringing another’s right to live. Taking only what they need, not what they want, is what keeps the delicate balance within Nature. We all know what we need but most of us care about what we Want. Listening and Doing, more than Preaching lead to building bonds. Cultivating good speech was a virtue. Being Honest and Ethical in our work and taking responsibility for our actions was a virtue that made a man or woman out of us. To practice compassion, mercy and forgiveness while not giving into greed, anger, jealousy, envy, or our ego was the practice of everyday life. Everything in life has a unseen boundary and a harmonious family lived within this boundary. When you do something for the very first time, it is difficult but once you do it, it becomes easier the second and the third time. This holds for crossing boundaries too. Once you cross, the boundary is broken and usually it is hard to get back inside and build it again. Which is where responsibility comes in. Being responsible means learning what is appropriate and acting on it. Being responsible means that when mistakes are made, you dont blame someone else for it. The Idea of responsibility is not merely apologizing for a mistake but for remedying the mistake.

You, my grandchildren, are foundlings in the learning. I want to leave you with what I know so that you may build on it. The future rests on you, hence you need to be that brick that is still in the kiln. A lot of burning has to be done to become strong-Burning of ignorance. I know the world around you is not what it used to be when we were young. But there are a few constants apart from the obvious ones like day and night and the seasons. I have learned that each of us has a place that is exclusively ours. There are a lot of distractions today than we ever had in our time but you still have constants, that those who came before you had- the quality to discern what is good. Ask yourselves if what you are thinking or saying or doing builds on what is already being built or does it bring down what was built by the endless efforts of your ancestors before you? In that answer lies the Truth, the Constant.

While doing something remember that simple every-day acts have consequences. And Consequences are like words, once out of the mouth, they can’t be taken back. Think about what consequences you would like before you act for in that answer lies the Truth, constant.

Find that place of quiet within you. Look at how you grew from infancy. Do you see? You learned to walk before you learned to talk. That’s the universe telling you the rule of life, always walk the walk before you talk the talk. When you walk in Truth, there is no need for talking.

Remember nothing is yours to keep for eternity, so pass on that you learned in the quiet, to those younger than you. That is our purpose, to add to the brick that builds. Live like a warrior, remembering that you could die any moment. Be not afraid of death, for that is what every living being does, it is not special. For a warrior, to remember death, IS Living. Use that reminder to do what needs to be done right now, so that you never die leaving unfinished work. To Die without regret, with dignity is to die Honourably. So, do not shame your ancestors with the fear of death.

I understand that you will feel like I am talking of Utopia. But I urge you to think of it and look upon changes that have happened within your own lives. Ask yourself, if you willed it or it fell upon you? Keep an account of all your thoughts before the changes and after the changes, you will see that everything came from your thoughts, even the thought that merely passed and you thought was inconsequential. Yes, thoughts manifest. So direct your thoughts to that which you want to manifest. Keep your thoughts clear, so that when it manifests there is no confusion.

Do not weep on my departing, for I leave a part of me within each of you, you only need to listen to it in silence.

May you always remember the blessing that you are.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Reflections on a Deathbed. (360 repost)

I have lived. I know not if I lived well or lived badly, but live, I did. My Voice has grown soft over the years, for life doesn't need to hear me loudest. My voice has been tempered with what my eyes have seen, ears have heard and my heart has felt. My eyes have lost sight. My heart has taken over the job of my eyes and it seems to see better. My ears have hushed but my skin feels the heart beat of those around me. Life has been very beautiful, quite ambivalent and sometimes ugly. But Live, I did, this life of Mine.

I have ranged from being non-sensical to paradoxical to absolutely stable. To discover the whole range of things I could be was exasperating as well as joyful. I raised a garden, so I could feel the pulse of the earth. I raised the kids, so I could feel my immortality. I raised livestock, so I could feel the connectedness in the difference. I have nourished others, in the hope that, I have nourished their souls. I haved nursed the sick, so I could heal myself of hurts. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been angry, I have been patient and impulsive, I have fallen from grace and risen from it too. I have wished for death and I have wished Life Goes on forever. All the while, Living this Life of mine.

I may not be accomplished or successful the way you see it, but I have observed and experienced, where-ever I have stood. I have felt the snap of a breaking heart. I have felt the weight of gratefulness. I have seen the strength of Faith. I have felt the tallness of Intergrity. I have felt the freedom of giving. I have felt the joy of un-restrained laughter and the pain of un-cried tears. I have Hated and Loved and felt all the in-betweens. Most of all I have Loved- Loved the ones I came through; Loved the ones who blessed me with their friendship; Loved the One who set My heart on Fire; Loved the ones who came through me; Loved the ones who have shared short journeys with me. Yes! I have loved in My Life, and somehow, everything else seems inconsequential in the light of that one event. Yes, I have lived well, this Life of mine.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Last Gift -short story

With the children and school and husband at work, Ria sits by the window enjoying the sunlight. This is something she does for herself. Its her time to Bask, like a seal on a rock, doing nothing. For the next thirty minutes or so, she will not move from her chair except for sipping her coffee.

She wonders if she should let her husband and family know what the doctor has said. Dr. Gupta was surprised that Ria took the news so well. She was quiet for a moment after she had heard the prognosis and asked "How much time do I have?". "About 9 months" Dr. Gupta said. "Exactly the amount of time to prepare for one life, guess thats a good amount of time to prepare for one death" She thought silently.

Her thoughts go to the time her grandmother was ill and in the hospital. What did grandmother feel? Was she in pain? Did she want to die? Did she will herself to live? Did she blame God for the pain? She remembered being 14, sitting by her grandmom's bed. There was only steady breathing that she had heard. Once in a while she heard grandmom groan in her sleep, its the only times she heard anything akin to complain. Her grandmom had passed peacefully after having a really good day. On that day, all her children, grandchildren and her childhood friend had come to meet her during the day. She was so upbeat and smiling, like as if she had beat the cancer and the pain had been less. That evening after all had left for the night, she passed away in her sleep. It was like dying was a job she wanted to do alone, without anyone seeing her do it.

Ria wonders if she is like her grandmom, does everyone feel the same way when they die? Do we fight against dying or would we just accept it? Does it matter either way, fight or accept? After all Die, we will, no matter what. Shes always been curious about death. Death is such an unbiased thing. It arrives at our doors once life is done, never asking whether you lived well, healthy, wealthy or poor. Nothing that you did or said or felt or experienced is going to make any difference to death. After a while nothing about you really matters to those you left behind, except for memories.

Her husband was someone who spoke very little. Their conversations were mostly about what needs to be done or about the kids and other kind of formalities. In the begining, she had such grandiose ideas about Marriage and Husband and How families are supposed to be. But 5 years into the marriage, her ideas succumbed to the reality of life. She learned that Nothing really happens like the stories in the Romance Novels. She became a silent spectator of her own life, watched the death of her Ideas of life as she put them on the pyre one by one. Life was tough and she got used to it. "Whats the use of complaining?" thought Ria, "Either I should do something about it or I should learn to accept what is". She chose the path of least resistence, Acceptance. Now she wonders, would he miss her when she dies? If he did, would he tell anyone?

Two years into the marriage, the kids came and the chores increased. She watched the kids, their chatter, their loving arms, their silly stories, their laughter, she let them be for the most part. Disciplining them fell to her list of things to do, and so she did it. She smiled at the memory of defiance from the kids and then compliance. She hoped they would some day look back and say "I am glad mom did what she did". She wouldnt be there to hear it, would she now? Memories are funny things, they pop up without warning, they can make a perfect smile, tearful or a tearful face, break into a smile. Memories understand Irony perfectly. Leaving my children, thats more painful than dying, she thinks.

She wonders why she isnt raving and ranting at the prospect of dying. Why she doesnt feel very sad about it? But she isnt happy about it either. Is this what impeding death feels like? Total Numbness? Is something wrong with me? I am 40 years old, I should be living at least until 60, she thinks, yet I am not miffed at the loss of 20 years? She says to herself - I have done what needs doing until now and I only know that things need to get done before I go...Somehow along the path of life, she Understood Life to be Duty. Everything has a duty, the sun has to rise and set to bring in day and night, the earth has to rotate and revolve heralding the seasons, the water has to either flow or stay stagnant each serving its purpose, the wind has to blow or stay calm, the fire has to put forth warmth or burn, each in its station, each with a duty to perform, each has a purpose. So do animals, insects, soil and human beings. She wonders if she has served her purpose, and she quietly decides, she has, else she wouldnt be dying would she?

Basking done, she gets ready for the chores of the day. The family need not know, until they need to know. That way there is less brooding, less focus on her being sick, less of sadness and pity fests. Thats her last gift to the ones she loves, happiness with everything in its place as long as she can give it to them. She will continue with getting things done until she cant get them done anymore and then they would know. A sigh escapes her lips as she washes her empty cup at the sink.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Circle

Journeying the day
Not knowing the way
With Damned fears
And Dammed tears
Visiting life's fair
New masks to wear
Smiling, laughing, talking-
Couldnt be happier
While thoughts get sorrier
An ache unbearable
The tension palpable
Yet, acting so fine
Like the world were mine.

Ah! if indeed the world were mine
Every tree divine
No dammed waterways
No suffocating airways
Breath, fresh, free, flowing
Life loving, giving
Yet, there's knowing
On borrowed time - I live.
Upon borrowed earth - I walk.
With borrowed relations - I find comfort.

Living my desires and passions
Maintaining my stations
Building my illusions
Until that dreadful day
The day of my doom
And of disillusionment
Realizing, Nothing is as it seems
Nothing is really mine
Except for the drama of life
Me- the authoress
Signed contracts with actors and actresses
Making the world my stage
For a moment on Time's Page
Now the performance done
Experience gained
Tis time to move on
Time to Pack up.

--K P Rashmi August 2007

P. S. Does this seem like it is an addendum to the previous blog?