On Sunday we took our children to a Waterpark resort. I did not feel like going and after going there I did not want to do anything. On Monday morning, I get a call that I have been dreading..My brother called to let me know my Mother passed away. I dont know why I felt the way I did but it felt like someone kicked me in my gut. Logically, I knew she was ill, that she wasnt going to be here for long so I shouldnt feel the way I am. Right? She was cremated yesterday.
Some part of me is Numb cause it wants to deny that she is gone. Some part of me is Happy cause now she need not suffer the pain via the numerous hospital visits, the numerous needle pokes, the numerous medicines she has to consume, the aches and pains and the tiredness. Some part of me wants to scream in anger cause it wants her there till I am dead...which my rational knows is completely illogical.
I am used to loneliness, in fact, I crave it sometimes but I like having the choice to be able to meet the people I want to when I want to. I am feeling particularly Lonely now, even when I believe that she'll always be a part of me and the generations to come. I know I wasnt there all the last 13 years but shes a part of my life that was always there.
I've tried to not let my sadness spill onto my children... Its just hard, guess it will get easier, if I wait it out. These past few months, I've lost quite a few people in my life...why does it pour when it rains?
I feel afraid for my Father. He's been the sole caregiver so far and his days were filled with doing things for her... Now while he might breathe a sigh of relief, I wonder if he will be able to cope with the "nothing to do" syndrome. And he's too Proud to accept any help.
My brother seems to be fine or may be hes showing his stiff upper lip...Most affected is my favorite cousin, my mother was a second mom to her so its going to be tough for her.
The weather is not co-operating, the sun is shining...when I want it to be dreary so that I can blame the weather for my sadness. Irony?
I am going to get into the chores, its the best therapy I know, it keeps me sane.
Take care and Have a wonderful Week ahead.
Peace
Rashmi.
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10 comments:
I am sorry to hear about your mother, Rashmi!
She must be in a much better place now.
Take day by day... it must be very heavy on you all now, but living on and living fully is the best thing you can do for her and for yourself. And try not to cling on her, because she is now somewhere in between and it is not good to hold her back. She needs adjustment to her new world as well.
Rashmi i'm sorry to hear about your mother of course you are gonna be sad and i know you want to protect your kids but i have always thought it was ok to let them see that when we love someone and loose them that we are sad, they too will go through it one day. I am thinking about your last trip there to see your mom and family and i think that will hold comfort to you that you got to spend that time with her, your mom will always be in your heart, all the wonderful memories of her will be there your whole life time. I'm sure it will be hard on your dad , hopefully the kids who live close by him can check on him often even if he don't ask for help maybe they can just say hey i see this needed done so i did it for you something like that. hugsssssss to you and your family Rashmi
My soul sister, I am so sorry for your loss!
Sending love your way ..
Hugs..
Thank you Simona, Connie and Sis...
Why are there tears in my eyes? Maybe it's something I can do that nothing else will...You have what is in my heart... and I can say this.. She will come to you... in your dreams, in your thoughts, in your moments of silent reckonings.. she will come to you...
I don't know how I missed this. So sorry to hear that Rashmi.
Rashmi,
I am crying. I am so sorry. I agree with Junebug about letting the children see you sad. It is a natural part of the grieving process. We think we are protecting our children when in fact we are denying them the opportunity to deal with a valid emotion. My mother and father passed away 12 years ago - and the pain will feel brand new sometimes - you never stop missing your parents. Again, I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you Dr. Giles and Rose.
irrespective of the age, we want our parents to be always there. you are absolutely right with your feelings. Your mother always live in your memory.
My heart goes out to you for the loss of your mother. **Huggs**
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