Looking Over 2010

Its that time of the year when I look back on the year that has passed.  I could say “Its been a good year” Or “All is as it should be” and let it be at that…Hmm, maybe that isn’t a bad idea, after all what can I gain from re-hashing the last year.  On the Other Hand, this could prove an exercise in seeing how much I actually remember, which will show how much I have been PRESENT.

The last year was tough for me in some aspects and easy on others. I missed my mother, the times we talked in the week.  Looking back, I feel guilty for a few things…I wasn’t as Magnanimous as I wanted to be. I was petty in some aspects. I held on when I could have let it go. I spoke when I should have held my tongue. I got mad when I could have walked away. Instead of making choices where I am empowered, I chose indifference and apathy.  All of the above leads to negativity and I had made it my goal to practice being more positive in the daily workings of my life. Of course, I can choose to feel guilty all the time or I can feel guilt once and then let it go. After all we don’t need to punish ourselves more than once for ONE crime.  Note to self :  Keep Practicing being Positive, instead of Thinking of being Positive.

I read a lot last year, but wrote very little. Hopefully, I will get around to doing the reviews of some of the books I read.  I had lots to say about the different things happening around the world, but didn’t feel like saying it. At times I think its cause I am Lazy, at other times I think “What’s the point of saying it anyway? It makes too much noise when I voice it and Nothing will change, except for me expending unnecessary energy.” Note to Self : If you want to say something, just say and be done with it. Make it a discipline to write once a week or everyday for 15 minutes

I haven’t been productive on the financial front… It is something I need to remedy. I haven’t done any doodles or paintings or crocheted or made any jewelry.  I didn’t exercise as much as I had set a goal to do.  I did cook more than usual as I tried out making pickles and baked dishes(my nemesis, I don’t enjoy baking). I did Pranayama more.  I went for more walks but it wasn’t regular.  I practiced flute more but I am not any better at getting the count or the rhythm.  Note to self : Just DO IT.

We had a fantastic Summer… I guess, it will be something to remember for a long while.  We did quiet a lot of hiking. I was amazed at my children for staying with it and not giving up mid way on some of the hikes. We visited Lakes and water falls, we saw birds flying below us, deer in the wild, Turkey vultures in the wild. We experienced the silence of the woods, the sereneness of the lakes, the sunset at the beach. We visited Vancouver and Victoria. And come winter, we went on our first snow shoeing trip at Mount Hood.  It was awesome as it was tiring.  This was the only place we had to turn back before we finished the trek, cause my daughter wasn’t very happy with the cold creeping up her fingers and toes. We did archery a lot. I am a bad shot…I cant hit the bulls eye if it were staring at me. I wonder what happened to the shot that was me, could it be that my eyesight is failing?  My children are better than me. Of course, my Husband is PERFECT :P.

I am going to hit the big 40 this year…I am trying to understand what the big deal is, when I really don’t feel the age and I don’t mean that I don’t have wrinkles or grey hair or times when I forget what I wanted to say, as I was saying it. I seem to be on a see saw…There are days I wake up thinking “Oh No! I am going to be late to school. I will miss my bus” and then there are days when I wake up thinking “Oh do I really need to get up, couldn’t someone else take over and leave me alone” But there are things that haven’t changed – I am very easily amused. I tend to see what others missed. I still choose to have peace. I still Live and Let Live.  I still like to spend time alone.  I LOVE my early morning Coffee. I love good stories, movies, books, poetry, sculptures. I still love the trees and flowers and still hate the feeling when I see the spider. I love sleeping in on cold days and waking up at the crack of dawn during warm days. I love the sunshine, the wind in my face. I still hate getting my hair cut.  I still have an accent when I speak English and I still look typically Indian.  My preferences in food, hasn’t changed- still cant stand milk and still love Indian food. Oh and Last but not least, I still have the SAME Husband , children, family and friends that I had last year *giggling*.

My family has been my source of joy.  Yes, the dynamics in the relationship is changing. My children are becoming more independent, more opinionated, more knowing than I was at their age. My husband still makes me laugh, still listens to my late night rants and still makes me feel the extremes of emotions. My father makes me wonder if I wasnt switched at birth. My brother makes me swing between being grateful hes there and wishing he wasnt there.  So the way I figured, I have HOPELESS relationships with Men *giggling*. Its the women in my life that keep me even keeled, head in the right place.  Guess we cant have everything.

On the Internet, I have enjoyed some awesome reads, spoke to really  Lovely People, Practiced speaking bits of Korean. To All my friends here on Multiply, Thank you! for being who you are.  When you Write, leave comments, have conversations with me, you make my world a more beautiful place. I value your thoughts and comments. They show me parts of me I didn’t know about, they re-enforce the ones I knew, they help change the ones that aren’t helping me. I hope your visits here are as enjoyable as my visits with you.

This year… I am going to rewire my brain to change some definitions for words I generally use.

Abundance – it used to be “having as much as I need materially, emotionally, spiritually”. This year it will be “The ability to do what you want to do, when you need to do it” I want to remove the others in the equation… waiting on others is a path to disappointment.

Discipline – It used to mean “having a routine to incorporate all that needs to be done and strictly following it. If I cant follow it then there is some form of punishment”. This year it will be “Mastering myself to regulate my own conduct when needed to follow rules, my own and those that are conducive to a Joyful Life”  I realize that the need for enforcement comes only when I am unable to be the Master of Myself.

Listening – It used to be “If I am free and interested in what you are saying I will listen”. This year it will be, “Listening, when you come up to me and wish to be listened to. Paying full attention, to the person talking, without looking at the time or letting my mind wander. Listening without thinking about the next thing I need to do, without any judgment or preoccupation.” I realize that most times, my brain is busy trying to figure the NEXT thing to do or get done, that when my children come to tell me something, I am half listening. I need to change that.

Now as this year moves ahead. I hope, in spite of what looks like chaos around us, ALL of us move through with the Knowing that at Any Moment all we need to do is BE All there. We have a choice in every moment to chose Harmony or Chaos, for peace is within us.  To make it through with all of our Being, in whatever shape or form we are, to do our best. When we get to the end of this year, I hope, we can look back with more smiles than regrets and say “It was a Good Year”.

Thank you all for reading through and for leaving your thoughts. Have a Wonderful Year!

Peace

Rashmi

2007 - looking back

The obvious thing about the last year is that I aged by ONE more year.  One more wrinkle to show, a few more grays at the temple and a couple of pounds to add(wish I could say subtract).   

 

Apart from that, I feel almost the same as I did in 2006.  I still range from feeling like an inadequate, inept 16 year old to feeling like a very grounded, too ancient to put an age person. I dont know how to feel like I am going to be 37.  I wish there was someone who would tell me.  I still am easily amused, I giggle a lot. I still like spicy food.  I still look for my Utopia, with Perfection and Idealism for Pillars, though my rational knows it doesn’t exist.  I haven’t yet mastered the art of saying NO.  Still getting acquainted with the different sides of me. Still enjoy reading, being the watcher/observer, knowing more things that interest me. And shoes that I bought some 5 years ago still fits me(oh! the wonder of things).

 

The year was filled with mixed blessings-We are sort of settled into the house and the routine of life.  Vijay(my husband) made a trip alone to India(home). He finally made the trip to Amarnath and Vishnodevi(pilgrimage), after talking about it for almost 6 years now(I am glad to have that out of the way).  He met his family and his langoti yaars (diaper-hood friends) and enjoyed his 5 week stay.  I think he’s beginning to feel his age, he recently wondered if he should buy a motorcycle.  To me he’s still the bluntly honest, hard to offend, funny, sharp, Practical(as opposed to my head in the clouds) person that I met 17 years ago.

 

My son is in KG this year. He has begun to read, enjoys reading Curious George, Clifford books and any book that has dinosaurs or animals as the topic.  He loves to draw, colour and make “inventions” with empty boxes, wires, yarn etc.  Daughter is in 2^nd grade.  She likes art and Math and the Why’s of things.  She’s become quite fluent at reading and has graduated to chapter books of about 200 pages each.  With it comes new hassles for mommy(me)- Now I have added to my list of Nags “Poonam, put that book away. Your dinner/breakfast is getting cold”.  She has my Youth Gene for wanting to finish the book before doing anything else. .

 

I began to send them for Piano lessons and they had their first recital in Dec.  I was nervous but they did so well.  I was amazed.  Both have begun reading music too which I thought was tough to do for my son.   I also got my daughter to attend Yoga classes and my son  Tae Kwon Do classes.. initially , I wanted my daughter to learn some form of martial art too, but after a lot of talking I realized, she just wasn’t interested in it… My son passed his first belt exam too. He had to break a board for it(yes! he was thrilled he could do it and so was I).

 

I introduced my kids to Hindi, I hope to have them at least reading and writing hindi by the time they finish their 10 grade.  I want them to have a link to the language of their ancestors.  I plan on teaching them Spanish and some of my dialect too so that they will know a few languages between them.   In a way, language is a bond that keeps people together.  So I want to equip them with something that shows them the common thread in all the differences.

 

My Paternal grand-mom passed away in October, she was 92.   I did not go for her funeral(its probably going to be a regret I am going to have for the rest of my life).  My Mother has the fixed routine with dialysis and other medical complications. My dad is the sole caregiver.  I am the long distance Vent your Anger here Person, when I call home I let my parents Vent.  On one hand its sad to see the role reversal but on the other that’s all I can do sitting here. To a degree it eases my guilt of not being there in their time of need. 

 

I finally got around to fulfilling one of my childhood dreams… I started taking Flute lessons.  I just started so I have a long way to go before I play like a Musician.  The beginning was very frustrating, I had to retrain my fingers, I still get confused.  But my ear is begun to train itself, before I knew when something didn’t sound right, now I have begun to understand why doesn’t sound right.  The last class, I was finally able to play a duet with my teacher, keeping time and playing correctly.  Of course I stuck with the most simple music – Greensleeves - its an old tune that I love humming to myself.  Was I thrilled?  Oh yes!! I was, though it didn’t last long when he asked me to play the Turkish march by Beethoven.  Arggh!! thats the assignment for next week...

 

That’s my last year… This year, I haven’t made any resolutions but I am going to keep the words, Discipline, Organization of Time and Resources, Focus(spiritually/emotionally/financially) and Compassion for those I am presently living with in mind.  Hopefully at the end of this year I will say “I had the most blessed year”.

 

Still feeling like all is as it should be

Rashmi. 

The year that is, soon to be Was.

I look upon this month with a mixed feeling, cause this is usually the time I review the last year. Rationally I know looking back really does nothing good, that its best to move forward from where we are. But I like looking back at the quiet drama that my life is.

2006 started off badly for my cyberlife... I lost my old ID, I was so sad and angry, nay, I was depressed, mainly because I had a whole list of family and friends ID that I lost. I recovered some from memory, but there are those that I dont remember. I am taking a zen-esque view of it, so I am telling myself that it was time's way of telling me to move on. And now I learned to not trust technology more than having a paper and pen backup job.

I started to blog sometime in November 2005. Originally, my intention was to write my opinions about the different happenings around me but then I discovered that I could write only if I felt for the topic. So I got back to what I used to do in my Teens, write poetry, recording some incoherent thoughts, rambling over unfounded theories and short stories that no one read(cause no one saw them). In the process I discovered beautiful people, enjoy their writing, get a glimpse of how others live(yes I am a curious person but not curious enough to stalk), feel the kindred spirits in the mothers, the parents and friendship. Its been such a lovely experience. Thank you my friends and unknown kind strangers for letting it be so.

My kids have been what they are - my source of awe, unconditional love and tenderness, amusement and hair-pulling episodes. My daughter is in the 1st grade now and is totally enjoying her math and reading sessions. She plays the keyboard by the ear quite well(planning on putting her into a paino class soon). Her favorite activity seems to be doing puzzles, drawing, colouring and crafts. Last month, her request was "Mom, when are you going to teach me to cook?" So I had to tell her "when you can stand and stir at the stove without needing a chair".

My son is in pre-school, this year was good at least he didnt fall ill every month, so I guess his immune system has adapted. He will be in KG next year. He loves to do anything his sister can do. He plays twinkle twinkle on the keyboard, again by the ear. Hes knows to write most alphabets and sound off the words, he loves to jump off the sofa(should I let him bungee jump?) and worships his sister. He also likes according to him "Karate". He likes to doodle and have stories read or narrated to him. Any time music is turned on, he likes to do the goofy dance(giggling), its very hilarious to watch. Both are such clowns, they like to laugh and make others laugh. Yes, they do have their moments when they are at each others throats, thats when Mommy the Umpire steps in, and they know they have both lost the fight.

My husband, well, hes as bald as ever and as funny as ever. Among all my decisions I made in life, Marrying him was the best One. He did something for me that I never dreamed he would do... He actually took care of the house and the two little ones for over a month, so I could visit my mother and be back. yes ! I am blessed to have him and hold him. Hes had a very busy work schedule this year...sometimes I miss him though I live with him , but this too shall pass.

I visited home this year, so I miss them a little less than I did last year or maybe I am getting used to existence without them. My mom is hanging in there, inspite of her numerous health complications. Somedays are good, some worst but I am glad for the time I have with her. While I was there, I did spend some time going with her to the hospital so that my dad could take a break from routine, wish I could do more. My dad is tired, from all the looking after and the errands he does at his age, he is seventy and hes been my mom's sole caregiver for over 6 years now. My brother and Sis-in-law had their daughter this year in March and they are happy. They have very busy lives with their work schedules and looking after the baby.

My cousins, three of them married this year, I was there for one's marriage... So I got the food, met most of my relatives and my gran who is 91, so things are good. I finally made it to see my cousin's newly built home(which was about 3 years ago) and to anothers home for the first time after she married (about 6 years ago). Living in a different part of the world from your family is a painful when I think of the things I should have been there for. But this is a choice I have to live with.

I met some of my friends while I was in Bangalore, we spent time going to our old haunts and talking about how life has changed and how we managed to remain the same for each other. Its amazing what affection can do. I got to visit most of my favorite eateries(yeah I love food, typical Indian food). Everyone is in the kids and family mode but scratch the surface and you see that carefree side we shared at school and college.

We bought a house this year(finally). I got a part time job(one day a week) working as a montessori pre-school teaching assistant(a step in the right direction?). I dont know what I feel about it other than the fact that I am amazed at the workings of kids minds. They make me want to do more for them, build a strong base for them when it comes to learning and attitudes. I didnt gain or lose any pounds this year(good thing? bad thing?). I havent done as many paintings or sketches as I wanted to do or crochet for that matter (bad time manager?)but I did write poetry and stories and read a few books.

All in all its been a good year... Life is as it should be... Hoping you all had a good year too..

May the coming Year bring into your lives and homes much love, peace-of-mind, happiness, good health and prosperity.

Happy Hannukah!!
Merry Christmas!!
Happy Kwanza!!
And
A Very Happy New Year!! to you all.