What I Want

I have been reading this question off and on over various sites  "what do Men/Women want?".  I have read their answers and then had a train of thought that I put here. I have no real clue what all women want but I can tell you what I wanted. 

When it came to relationships I have always been the loner, the Wait and See person, the introvert, the cold one, the ice queen, the fence sitter(these are all names given to me by someone else, I called myself a Idealist-Realist, a paradox). I try not to have any delusions about what or who I am. I try not to presume what another person is thinking. I don't always succeed but when I do it makes me proud of myself for a short while.

I have always enjoyed good discussions, conversations over coffee/juice but I never made the cut with most, when it came to sports, pop-culture, bar, smoke-drug scene etc. So my immediate circle has been the people I knew for over 5-10 years. Then there were people who I knew from work or just met at someone else's gathering or met through my siblings/cousins/husband etc. I mostly called them acquaintances cause I am very reluctant to use the word "Friend" casually.

I never had a clue about what I wanted when I wanted a relationship. I usually made do with what I got and so far it hasn't been bad. But I did get married and have been for the last 12 years to the same person. I look back and there is this flash of realization and then its gone, but I know what I wanted.. I wanted to be Water in a relationship, something that doesn't give up what it is yet takes the shape of the container its in. Something that is as deep or shallow as need be. I wanted someone with who I could dance the dance of life, moving forward when he moves back, move back when he moves forward, hold him when he falls, have him hold me when I fall, watch him over the distance and feel joy and have him feel joy when our eyes meet, be responsible and share responsibility for what needs to be done in life, Give more than he could ask for and Receive more than I asked for. So far its held. I guess I am blessed. He's shaped me in ways I could never shape myself, I hope I have done the same for him.

I am not saying our life has been a Cake walk with all the icing. Or that its always Joy, but that when there was pain, we were there nursing each others wounds or giving space to the other to nurse their wound in safety. I am not saying there weren't times when we wanted to kill each other, but that when we were that angry, we still remembered the times when we were willing to give each other our lives. I am not saying that we never bored the heck out of each other, but that even in that bored moment we could laugh at the times we had a goofy moment. I am not saying that we weren't tempted to stray or to give up and leave but that in that tempting moment, we saw the value in how much the other gave to keep what we have. Its about those long conversations that run through the night and the long silences when we just sat with each other doing nothing. Its about that chuckle/giggle when the other is feeling low. Its about taking over the others job just so they could rest. Its about considering whats good for the two of us together instead of Taking what "I" want. Its a lot about Giving than the Receiving. Its a lot about willing to keep what you have. Its about remembering the relationship you share, My husband/wife, My friend/lover and wanting to keep that relationship. Its about consideration, respect, trust, understanding and behaving through life the way we can be proud of.

The truth is no matter who you meet and want to have a relationship with, things cant always be smooth-sailing, there will always be things you cant stand about each other and things that you will Love about each other, the trick is to focus on what you love about each other. We are constantly changing, so learning to accommodate changes in each other without losing sight of the goal(being the harbour for each other, working with each other, building a family and yourselves) is what a relationship is according to what I understand.  No matter how much Love or Passion you have, Life is about maintenance and sustenance. Yes you could have a different view, each of you need to know how to work to get to that vision of life for yourself.

I see what I wanted and to a large degree, I got what I wanted.