Its Fall. Yes, its fall, leaves are piling up in droves, they are changing colours, such beautiful colours. I guess I understand how the proverb “The flame is brightest before it dies” came about… Such wonderful, breathtaking colours yet the leaves are all dying.
Its cold. Mostly I am ambivalent or I like/dislike stuff, but I passionately HATE the cold, dreary weather and its not winter yet. I feel like a cat that got some cream every time the sun comes out. I like the misty, heavenly feel of the mornings and evenings but I really do not like the constant need to sleep, the lethargy and general crabbiness that I feel once this kind of weather starts.
I feel old, I miss my youth, those first days of being in Love…Its not that I don’t have Love, just that I miss the feeling of Being in Love, that sense of “I can walk the gauntlet for my Love” kind of feeling. So I am feeling sick for not being Lovesick, that doesn’t make sense but well, when was I ever logical?
I am beginning to miss the song birds. I feel like crying when I see my annuals dying and have begun to make a list of perennials and evergreens I would like to plant the coming year. I realize I have a small part of my Father’s gene for caring for plants, it makes me very weepy when a plant dies on my watch. I don’t feel so emotional with those walking talking beings, Such a Mean Person I am. Guess a farmer’s daughter doesn’t fall far from farming.
One of the perks of being Hindu, its been a series of festivals these past two months… I miss home the most during this time. I miss it so much that I feel miserable and cranky and want to be left alone. Now since I know I feel this way, I make the extra effort to wear the mask of Congeniality and cordial-ness. Being left alone is a luxury when you have kids… so I really savour the time they are at school... Does that make me a Bad Mother? If I was home, this would have been the time to buy new clothes, saris, churidhars, chania-cholis. Also the time to buy my favorite accessories- glass bangles, cause new designs come to the market around this time. Its one of the things I hoard. I have a collection of glass bangles that I don’t wear. I like looking at them, its pure joy.
I went shopping yesterday, by myself(thats a rare occurrence since I dont like shopping). The christmas stuff is out and they were so colourful... so I walk every aisle there was with this stuff and spent time feasting my eyes. I got myself drawing pencils(another thing I hoard and never actually use). I got a toy for my son's friend whose birthday is today. I also got some socks for the kids to wear at home.
Have been reading books but not completing them, have returned five books that I read half way... will be borrowing them again. I bought a few books too, that I have been meaning to give to friends and family. I have to call a few people, acquaintances who border on friend, I have been meaning to call for over a month now. I tend to postpone calling or visiting people ‘cause I call and then I don’t know what to say… I call on them because I had this overwhelming need to call them, but once that step is taken, there isn’t much to say. I am not good at making mundane conversations. After “hi, how are you doing?” I don’t have much to say, unless the other picks the conversation. I can listen, but for that the other has to be the talker. It feels very weird that I cant seem to correct this part of me even now.
Tomorrow, we are going to
I have to get back to the chores that are waiting my attention. I am wishing I had Aladdin’s Lamp…. I could just flick my wrist and have my house spic and span and all the cooking done and all the books read and all the unfinished projects finished and I could briefly visit my parents while all my plants are pruned and ready for winter/spring…Magic! Now if wishes were Horses......
Its almost the weekend.. Happy Halloween! to all my friends in the US. Have a wonderful weekend.
Peace always
Rashmi.
10 comments:
Why is it, Dear Rashmi.. that you can make even 'the mundane' an interesting read? Is it because you speak such an honesty ? Such candor about your thoughts, feelings, and what delights you .
I wish you could be experiencing all those wonderful Hindu rituals and festivals. I think I would be very sad at this time , too, not to partake in such really special times for your culture.
Does it make you a bad mother to savor peace and quiet when the children are gone? No. It makes you normal.. lol.
I, like you, have a hard time with 'small talk'... but do love to stay in touch or 'connect', if you will. It's important... I suppose talk is a natural expectation... It's a quandry when you are not a talker, but need the loving connection.
Funny , how we do love our plants and flowers, talk to them, show them appreciation and spend hours caring for them... And when we finish for the day, the rewards are obvious. But when we do the same for the walking / talking beings the same enjoyable reaction is not always forthcoming. .... sigh
And I will tell you what is no secret... You will always have more chores than you can finish... lol ... If a visit to your parents happens to be an idea .. I suggest a walk-away from daily duties is in order... for no other action will divorce you from what never ends. 'wink'
No you are not a bad mother, and if you are I am too, I could have written at least 70 % of that blog. Hindu weddings are usually big and fun, maybe it will help you with the the fact you miss ''home'' i do not like shopping except for ''beads'' and crayons...that I seldom use lately...I feel like hugging you right now, you say things that really touches me...
Thank you Jackie.. I do take a long while to "warm up" to a person. So true, chores never get done, just finished round one, the second will start in about two hours.
Thank you Josie. (hugs to you too).
0h so many of us could have written this post Rashmi with only very small differences included.
I wrote a post about my thoughts in Winter and know how you are feeling.
This wonderful and creative form of expression " writing" is your gift Rashmi and I am sure that you have others too and so as you venture along life's highway learn to employ your gifts and share them because life will surely become more exciting for you and your confidence will soar as you do what it is that you love doing the most. Of course the daily routine and order of life remains however they just become a canvas and frame for the picture of your life that you love most to paint.
Enjoy the wedding and thanks so much for your visits to me.
Happy Halloween there Rashmi...
Haunting Hugs from Milli.
I do love to read your blogs, you are such a gifted writer. You really conveyed what the winter means to so many of us. To me winter is like a hibernation of the being, our souls crawl inward a bit, and we feel the heaviness of the cold that forces us inside.
As I have grown older, I have stopped feeling guilty about the housework. It is a constant, and if I get behind on my chores, so be it. To me life is short is and it is much better to get behind on chores and to do something I enjoy over them. They will get done eventually.
I do hope you enjoy the wedding. I love weddings. I am such a romantic. I too love that feeling of falling in love - it is such a joyful, euphoric type of feeling, nothing quite matches it.
Have a good weekend:)
Total agreement on both counts....You are a gifted writer...saying what most of us can only find hints of at the tips of our minds.....and yes, housework, I have come to understand, was invented by the Master of Boredom, as an outlet for it's inventiveness. And the Master of Bending Realities is always spinning off a dance in consort with vacuuming the drapes. he he
LOL, that gave me a big laugh, good one.
LOL.. now thats a sight to behold.
I hate the greyness og winter, and of course there is Seasonal Affective Disorder which so many people have. I know a lot of people who start taking Prozac in late October when our clocks go back an hour and stay oon them till March when they go forwards. It's even worse up in the Arctic where they only have a couple of hours of twilight max. in the morning.
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