Gratitude

Standing at the stove, checking on the roti, Ria is mentally absent. She goes about her chores very matter of factly, like a soldier in the boot camp. The record re-running endlessly in her head- "I dont love you anymore, lets separate". "Lets separate" those two words had felt like a dagger in her heart. For the first time she understood why her cynical friend said this about Love- "Love is just a chemical reaction amongst our hormones, its nature's way to ensure propagation of the Human species, it is lust "Camouflaged". She piles the roti's into the hot case and wraps the towel over them. She felt the weight of the earth on her. How could I have let this happen to me she wondered. How did I let our relationship slide to a level, where I feel unappreciated, used and discarded, like a paper plate. She sets the table for dinner. What did I forget? ah the Salad. She sends her son to call her husband. All seated, they start with dinner.

The children talking about what happened at school and their father was listening. Ria, half listens as she munches on her food deliberately, feeling very taste there is to the dal and roti. Her mind wanders again, this time, looking at the times before when things changed for her, when life changed directions. She sees that every time she had hit the Peak of complacency, apathy and indifference, a disturbance occurs, like as if the universe is touching her to wake her up. Ice Queen, thats what her friends called her, cause no matter how bad her situation, tears do not well up in her eyes for herself. This time she did cry, invisible tears.

She knows that the fault lies with her being undemanding, easy going, tolerant, ego-less within the relationship. She makes a note of the things she should have done and the things she shouldnt have done. Yes! she cried her heart out, all alone, just her pillow lending itself to mute her sobs. But she did stop and take notice. It did make her take stock of life, of what her goals and aspirations were, of what she needs to do to get there, of how to balance all that she needs, of what her needs were and what her wants were. It made her notice her apathy to the people around her, of not being appreciated or validated for who she is. She noticed her feigned indifference, always in control of her emotions at every waking hour. She knew she needed let herself feel all the emotions humanly possible. She needed to lend herself, some of that compassion that she willing gives to others.

She smiles. Silently she thanks the Universe for taking care of her needs, for helping her take note of them and assert them, before it was too late to change anything. She waits as she watches the kids finish their roti. She quietly starts to clean up, planning for a new way to do things, starting tomorrow, she thinks "Time to take back my power, tomorrow is a new day with new beginnings. This time I live for ME".