The Year that will soon be Was

Guess its that time of the Year, when most of us look back, take stock and see what needs doing.  So here I am with the Report of How My Year Was.

The year started off with my favorite uncle suddenly passing. Then my best friend from school passed away suddenly too. That was two strikes in 5 months so I was thinking there will be a third and true to my thoughts, it came in June. My mother who was not keeping well from numerous complications from Diabetes was in the ICU in February and everyone in my family thought it was better for me to go see her then.. So I did go to India to see my mother.  Now, looking back, I am glad I did.  I got to talk to her uninterrupted cause I went alone and there wasn’t the usual trappings that come with going with my family and having to stay at my in-laws.  It shocked me to see how prepared she was to leaving .  She had already distributed her beautiful collection of Saris between her sisters, daughter in law and friends. She’d already made a list of who gets which piece of her jewellery. She had the clothes to clothe the dead and the Death Price(the gold coin that is kept on the forehead)  in one place.  She just had a few everyday clothes that she wore.  I felt really guilty for not being there or doing the many things that needed to get done for her.  Guess its one of those things I have to learn to let go of.   In June, she passed away, in a way I was relieved but coming to terms with the fact that there are now things that will never be the way they used to made me sad.  It felt even sadder to watch my Dad.  Hes getting better now.  I am better too, although there are days I miss talking to her.

This year I did a few things to change my life around.  I learned to let go of a few things that hold me back. I said a few things to people I wouldn’t have previously ever said such things to. I have exercised more, lost a few pounds but more than that felt a lot better in the head.  Been less Miserly about giving compliments to others.   Most of all I managed to silence my inner critic more often than last year. I have a very strong inner critic that makes me very annoyed most of the time and holds me back.  So this year, I decided to say “screw you inner critic”  and then realized I need a balance.   The inner critic drives me to maintain a standard with the things I do, so I do it to the BEST I can push it to, without it, I realized I was very discontent.  So either way I am discontent…I am discontent to have a critic and to not have one. Aiy, aiy! I guess I have some more growing up to do. I’ll get there.

My husband has been the same(now theres a wish, why couldn’t polyandry be the norm :P),  one year older but still has his sense of humour and optimism, still drives me nuts with certain attitudes, still makes me laugh, still listens to my odd dreams, Still puts me to shame with his sense of order and getting things done, still there in my thoughts even while hes at work….

My children are growing. They are a joy . They still want all animals as pets, they want a zoo. My son still likes creepy crawly stuff that my daughter runs from and I get goosebumps out of.  Both like Math, but hate writing.  Both Like drawing and  making paper crafts. Both hate veges that arent potatoes or are green.  Both love all junk food starting with C – Cakes, Cookies, Chips and Chocolate.   They are loving,  becoming more strong willed, beginning to form their own opinions.  They make me forget sometimes that I am an adult, they bring out the kid in me. This year  we learned one new thing to do.. Archery.  It was fun to do the activity as a family.  Now they want a bow and arrow.

I have had a lot to be thankful for this Year.

-          For the family I grew up in, for the people who helped me be who I am.

-          For the family I married into, especially my Husband, Hes been the sounding board, the voice of reason and guide in my insane phases.

-          For my Children, for  making it easy for me to be the Kid I never was, growing up.

-          For my friends in the face to face and the cyber world for their kindness, constance, encouragement, shared interest, words, thoughts, affection, love  and  simply being there.

-          For the teachers who grace my life and appear when I need them.

-          For the good health my family has enjoyed.

-          For the basics – a roof over the head, clothes, food on the table and my own pillow to sleep on.

-          For the extras  like computer,  cell phone, car and activities.

-          For the Things in Nature that never cease to make me feel joyful(except the cold weather of course, but its something I will grin and learn to enjoy)

-          And being in the era where there are such advances to technology.

Me, I am the same, except for more gray hair and wrinkles. Still on the fence about whether I should colour them or let them be.  I still read books and enjoy a good movie, still have lazy days where nothing gets done and the house looks like a junkyard,  still laugh very easily, am hard to provoke, small things still give me the biggest sense of happiness, still miss some people in my life,   still have unfinished projects and chapters in my life, still enjoy learning to play the flute,  still love my early morning cup of coffee,  still worry about the “what if?’s” and think about the “could’ves, would’ves and should’ves” but talking steps to remedy them. Hopefully it will be done by the time I leave.  Still the watcher, observer, see but don’t touch kind of person, still take a long while to let people in.  I wonder if that will ever change.

This year I did two things I never thought I would do in my adult life.  One – Play the flute at a recital.  Its been about two years now since I started to learn to play the flute. I have no background in music except knowing what I like listening to and what I don’t , when I listen to it.   So it was learning from scratch, everything from how to read the notes to how to play the different octaves on the flute.. I still have a long way to go to get to Proficiency but its something that makes me happy.

Two – Break a board at my son’s Tae kwon Do Exam.  At my son’s Belt Exam, the Master, decided to let the parents attempt at breaking the board. In my College days(which seems like eons ago) I did go to Tae kwon Do and get a couple of belts before life took over. So it was good to know, I could still break a board even though its been about 2 decades since I broke the last one at an exam. My son was more thrilled than I was though, it was joy to see how happy he was.

Over all, I won some, I lost some, I laughed some, I cried some, I touched some, I pushed away some, I loved some, I let go some…Life is as it should be, with its yin and yang and its constant pendulum motion. 

To All you Lovely People who are reading this..

May this season bring Happiness and Abundance of love, friends, peace, good health and prosperity. 

Merry Christmas to all Those who are Celebrating!

And  To All  A Happy New Year!!

Reporting Done, Peace

Rashmi.