Freedom

Late nights in the dark, sprawled in bed alone, is a time for Thoughts withheld in the light of the day.  In the darkness, there is no one who will look at Ria, except for herself.  In the darkness,  she takes a leisurely stroll through the labyrinth of mazes in her mind without the fear of being Lost.  Darkness, for her is a blanket of warmth. If I were to judge her, I would say - what a cold night when there's no one to hold you. But I am her conscience, so Truth be told,  when she was held, she was a caged bird that couldn't sing. It wasn't cold, yet she breathed in shallow breaths.

Ria lets her thoughts a free reign - Everyone around me Pity me, I see it in their eyes, in their voices as they talk to me. I wish they didn't. I do not pity me.  I couldn't, nay I wouldn't explain, for then they would put it down to being Bereaved and in Grief.. which I am not. I am glad, so much glad that I feel guilty for feeling so happy.  The one I love left me for a Younger, supposedly more Beautiful woman. I should be feeling angry at the unfairness of life, sad at the betrayal of my trust and loyalty, pitiful for spending the best part of my years on someone who knew nothing about me, and all those emotions that people say I should feel but all I feel is a breath of Fresh Air and I am glad for it.  For the first time in so many years, I feel Alive. I feel Possibilities.  I feel Happy.  I know reality is  Harsh, I couldn't stay Alive on that Feeling of Fresh Air. Fresh Air doesn't feed, clothe or shelter Me. There are also other aspects - how could I justify my life for the past 20 years to my large clan, to them I owe an explanation, where would the money come from for continuing life as I know it, how would I live,  what explanation could I give to my kids ?  Yes, there are these difficult questions.  I will cross those bridges when I get to them.

From one of my numerous escapes into the World of Words, a quote about being FREE, comes to my mind- "The whole secret of existence is to have no Fear.  Never fear what will become of you, depend on no-one. Only the moment you reject all help are you free"  This rings true. I can see now, why I felt stifled.  I had too much help.   I had help from everyone around me regarding everything, from how a girl should be, what a girl should know and learn and do well, how a girl should talk, what a girl should think, what a wife should be like, what a mother should be like, who I should have for friends, what rituals to follow and numerous other details in life. 

I know all will not be well if I didn't have any help,  that the world of Individuality has its pitfalls too.  For I have observed, when we are free to make our own choices, we tend to hold ourselves to lower standards of achievement, behaviour and growth.  We tend to justify our choices even when we know its not the best we could.  We do tend to lie to ourselves more. We do tend to let ourselves off the hook easily, when we dont try hard enough.  We do tend to find excuses for all the things we didnt do.  It is a very rare person who is Self-motivated enough to hold themselves to High Standards and pushing themselves steadily to achieve the growth that they are capable of.  I know that not living like an Island is what Drives Men to Achievement. Its in the looking both ways - inside and outside, that helps our growing.  I don't wish for absolute individuality nor for absolutely mapped out lives. What I would consider freedom, is to have a Life in Balance. Individuality within the Map's boundaries and A map of how life could be, within Individuality.

I have to thank the One I love - (Yes I still do love him, as sick as that might seem)  for setting me free. I don't think I would have left him even if I could - I think its a touch of that thing they call the Stockholm Syndrome.  He has Character, for he did let me Know when he Knew. He did not abuse me in all our time living together.   Only, I did not choose to be FREE.  I presumed I was Free to have chosen not be Free.  Convoluted Logic isn't it?

Ria sighs as sleep tugs her senses...Tomorrow is a new Day with new Beginnings and I stand watch as she sleeps.

P. S.  Friday was Indian Independence day... I had started to write on the topic of Freedom but couldnt put words.   This morning I read my friend Leverett's blog on Discovery... and the words took form.  Thank you Jackie, for being a Muse in more ways than I can list :).