Lying on the bed, thinking in the darkness. "Forty years of living, or should I say dying. Another day and another 'Hunting for a job' process. How many times do I have to do this? Why is it that nothing in my life so far has given me a sense of constant, of being in control?"
Ria had loved this previous job very much, working as a research assistant for a writer. She loved reading but this was a job that took the cake nay! Butterscotch Ice-cream. She came across so many interesting facts, stories and legends. Stories she didn't know existed. Ah! The irony, although a Hindu, she hardly knew any of the scriptures, epics or the legends well. But this job was an education in Hinduism, its subtleties and its depth. Through reading them she was in a different world. A world all her own, with the feel real yet in the past heroes and events. But she always had to wake up at the end of the read. After all she had to do the things that mean living, like- take a bath, eat some food, get some sleep. That's what her life entailed for the most part.
At the end of the day, she wonders what she has gained in life, comparing herself with her peers and those around her. While everyone of her peers now have chauffer driven cars, husbands who seemingly loved them, kids that are growing up, beautiful homes of their own and a few rented out, a standing in their society, someone some others looked up to. She was out of place, she didn't belong with them. She was a ship without a rudder or a map. She floated through, which ever way the wind blew. Every now and then there are a few from her past who come to her, mostly when they needed a ear to be listened to. Most never returned her favour, but that didn't matter to her. Some did what she suggested and got good results but never credited her, but that didn't matter either. What did I gain? she concludes - NOT MUCH, except for the pounds of fat over the years.
40 years and no stable job, never built a career, married but never had kids, married but not married anymore, no parents, being the only child no relatives that matter either, the job brought her many acquaintances but not friends, no one waited long enough to be her friend or anything else. She did blame herself for her reluctance to open up to people quickly. She was like a slow fire, that takes a while to catch on but when it burns, it will burn forever. "I am lonely" she admits to herself "but logically lonely" she consoles herself. She knew of those others who had lives with lots of people they seemingly cared about, with lots of wealth they seemingly needed, with good health that they were seemingly blessed with but in spite of all the seeming fullness they were empty. She on the other hand, had nothing and hence was empty, perfectly logical.
Her thoughts go to Yesterday, "Good work" her client said after she read the material Ria had submitted. She had researched on the classical Hindu Philosophy, the translated versions of the Vedas, the epics and the puranas. While she had researched, she yearned for some of the things of the by gone era. She labeled Draupadi the Lucky One when it came to choice of husband(s). Imagine having Five husbands each with a quality that any woman would look for in a husband, instead of having the ONE that isn't anywhere near what she had dreamed. It makes perfect sense, have one of all the kinds you want. Perfect happiness.
Duryodhana the Pompous one. He could put the peacock to shame with all his ego strutting around. The Pandavas were considered the righteous ones. She wonders were they righteous, when they wagered Draupadi in the game of dice? She loved the character of Karna, his sense of loyalty, stoicism, friendship and justice. He would have made a perfect husband she thinks-Hmm. And Krishna what are people thinking when they worship him as a GOD. The thief, the womanizer, the cheater, the cunning fox, the devilish charmer, yet, she liked his character(is it any wonder?), his mischief as a kid, his seeming charisma as he got older, he was what we would today call a go-getter. Was she biased? Being from that culture?
Moving on to Sita, the most unlucky one, a perfect martyr, a Perfect loser. She knew not where she came from, followed Rama under the umbrella of duty and what did she get, Perfect abandonment? And Rama, really what was he thinking, if he thought at all - A perfect Son/Prince? Nonsense! He was an example of perfect Avoidance of responsibility. Jump at the opportunity to go to the forest, so that he doesn't have to be responsible for the on goings of his Nation. When he got back, he realized that he couldn't satisfy his wife and the nation at the same time so jumped at the opportunity to abandon his wife, that way he doesn't have to take care of her needs. Oh yes!! Maryada Purushotam(Perfect Man). She sneers at the idea.
"There I go" she thinks again "with that word". Rationally she knew perfection is just another word for things that live up to her expectation. She knew she was setting herself up for disappointment, Perfectly. A perfect life would be a happy life. Wont it? A Happy life, hmm...she never knew what makes her happy. And if she caught some of the things that made her happy, it was so fleeting, just for a second or less. Does life appear like this for all? Do they always wonder and never know about what makes them happy? If she could just have a peep into other minds regarding their questions on happiness, maybe she could figure out what makes her happy. And Life would Be PERFECT.
Different era's, different perfections, different perceptions. She smiles in the dark. This is the first time, she felt glad that she lived alone and no one could judge her thoughts. If she had any of the elders around her listening to her thoughts right now, she would be judged a Charvaka(a materialist/existentialist) and probably reprimanded her for thinking the way she did about Rama and Krishna.
For now, she needed to sleep, maybe dream a little and be happy within that dream, if it wasn't too much to ask.
Perfection- the sleep that's kissing her eyes and Ria, perfectly unaware of it.
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