I wish I could say- I am never lonely. But I would be lying. There are days when the only image in my head is a vast open space- no trees, no rivers, no birds, no people, NOTHING. Just me standing on this wide open area and there is no one there. I am scared sometimes, fine sometimes, but mostly scared. Today is one of them. I look at what I have become today and what I used to be yesterday and I see changes. Not good or bad, but just changes that I wish didn’t change or glad for the change.
I have people I know, or at least claim to know. I know, I only know what they are willing to reveal, what they are comfortable revealing to me. There will always be parts that I will never know and parts only I know about them. I also know I can’t share what I know about them with anyone else, b’cause when they spoke to me, there was a silent, sacred vow of trust that was made. A vow that I will not say anything about them that others don’t already know.
But in spite of all the people I know and the people I share my life with, I do get lonely. I am not always alone when I am lonely. But I do seek to be alone when I am lonely. I feel that is logical- to feel lonely because you are alone, compared to feeling lonely in spite of all the people surrounding you. When I was younger and a “productive” member of the society there was a loneliness of a different kind, the kind where you feel misunderstood or inept or ignored. Now its the fact that I am too old to be productive the way they see productivity.
Over time I have learned to hide behind chores, never letting anyone in on my melancholy existence. Yes, I hide behind chores, like the many people I know. They are constantly busy, any attempt at asking them to meet up and spend some time together goes unaccepted. They might accept out of obligation, or cause they cant be rude for the 3rd time or the 4th. But I see through that. I notice the lack of attention while conversing or the constant fidgeting with their stuff or the bored look on their faces, knowing full well that they will blame me for their boredom or the furtive glances at the clock or the wrist watch. I know they want to be elsewhere doing something else, so I stopped asking them to get together. You see, I am poor, the only gift I can give is the gift of my time, unhurried time.
Somewhere over my period of life, I began to feel a sense of hypocrisy in all these numerous associations we make through life. The labels we give to relationships- Friend, pal, buddy, sister, brother, spouse, colleague, boss, fan, idol. The boxes of time we allot in accordance to organizing time, the reminders on our palm-pilots of important days, the obligatory gifts we give on their birthdays, anniversaries, mothers days, fathers day, grandparents day etc…We call it prioritizing and scheduling. I wonder how much it actually means if it wasn’t something that was done because we Wanted to do but Had to do. After all if something is important to us we wouldn’t need so many reminders or formalities, would we? Remember that first love, did we ever need so many reminders about when we are meeting, what we are eating or what gifts we are giving? We just wanted time with that person. That’s what IMPORTANCE means, you give the only real gift you can give…Your Time. And like Gifts, you need to pack it without hurry, without worry, without expecting something in return. Time given not for the money or the fame or the name or the appreciation, but because its all you have, that is yours to give. I know what makes me lonely but I cant remedy it in this very busy world of mine. You see, to give you have to have someone who will receive.
14 comments:
If you think you are poor and don't have "things" to give, you are wrong. Giving time and yourself to friends is what counts the most.
I might not receive a Christmas gift last year, but I had people - people helping me, people making things happen for me, people spending time with me, people opening their door to me, an unknown girl from the other coast of the US. Right now, in this moment I remembered that I didn't get any gift, except two cds from my mother in Romania. I didn't feel poor, although materially I have less than everyone here. But this does not count for my friends.
I hear you my Friend - and I KNOW what you are talking about. Been in that corner of Life repeadetly. I always thought it is down to MY Generation. But I see it now with way younger people also.So I think it Is maybe down to a certain Personality - that is more sensible to those changes, that increasing hurry, the Time chasing, and the lack of Attention. You suffer from an AWARENESS that other people are lacking of ! - my 2 cents Rashmi
This was such a reflective and touching post and you know I think many of us go through this stage of life. Intimacy is lacking in so many lives and why I say this here is because of your reference to:
But in spite of all the people I know and the people I share my life with, I do get lonely. I am not always alone when I am lonely. But I do seek to be alone when I am lonely. I feel that is logical- to feel lonely because you are alone, compared to feeling lonely in spite of all the people surrounding you.
I believe we all crave intimacy especially women who have had intimacy with their partners and babies and good friends and siblings. Unfortunately THE Business of Life can get in the way of Intimacy.You have revealed this below when you speak of hiding behind chores and not fully living in the moment. I personally think the very fact that you understand and are willing to see all these causes and effects around you, that you will grow emotionally and spiritually. It is especially so, because you can see the facades of culture and societies and you are unhappy with the obstacles and hypocrisy that these present before you.
If I might make a suggestion here Rashmi, you are not finished but you are about to embark on the next phase of your personal legend, so to speak. Once you know what it is that you wish to pursue and you make a decision to do it, I think that you will be well on your way to the next chapter in this exciting journey called life. Blessings always. Milli.
This was such a reflective and touching post and you know I think many of us go through this stage of life. Intimacy is lacking in so many lives and why I say this here is because of your reference to: But in spite of all the people I know and the people I share my life with, I do get lonely. I am not always alone when I am lonely. But I do seek to be alone when I am lonely. I feel that is logical- to feel lonely because you are alone, compared to feeling lonely in spite of all the people surrounding you. I believe we crave intimacy especially women who have had that with their partners and babies and good friends and siblings. Unfortunately Business can get in the way of Intimacy as you have revealed below when you speak of hiding behind chores and not fully living in the moment. I think the very fact that you can understand and are willing to see all these causes and effects that you will grow emotionally and spiritually, because you can see the facades of culture and societies and you are unhappy with the obstacles and hypocrisy that you see before you. If I might make a suggestion here Rashmi, you are not finished but you are about to start the next phase of your personal legend so to speak. Once you know what it is that you wish to pursue and you make a decision to do it, I think that you will be on your way to the next chapter in this exciting journey called life.
That would be the most precious gift while you are away from her. You have one more gift, you carry her knowing and strength too... cherish that too :).
@ Lotte, I see it among young kids too, its heartbreaking. Kids with no siblings,with both parents working up the ladder of careers, they have all the "stuff" they can seemingly have but time with their parents. I wonder if Civilization is all Good like its made out to be.
@ Milli, Isnt it sad, that the one thing that makes up our life(time) is the one we take so much for granted? :) Thank you for your encouraging words... I have no clue where I am going or how to get to that where. I think we have been sold to this idea that Life is all about Achievements and that only someone who is Idle has time on their hands. That kids should be kept busy to the point that they are no more kids but miniature adults.
We all feel like that at times...feeling lonely!
But I am seeking for it sometimes, when people around me are tiring and demanding..I wish I could be alone and just think about things and life and all..
That is a brave thing to admit. There is a sort of deep loneliness which the people around you can't understand because all they see is a busy smiling person. One of the things I've found about being online is that it is possible to talk about things which go on purely inside your head, and to find that other people have the same thoughts. It's such a cerebral and introspective sort of activity. You can also discuss them on an intellectual level so that it doesn't feel needy or clingy, and the physical distances and time lags involved make it less of a burden on other people.
:) I find that women have the most trouble saying "no" to demanding people...We need to learn and master the art of saying NO and not feeling bad about it.
I think you're right! I must learn this one..
@ Giles. That is one of the masks we wear.. the Busy-ness. I agree, online we can say something without making it appear needy or clingy or burdening the other.
I think it helps us cope with what is, when we look at it from an intellectual level, cause we tend to have an objectivity about it. In the east we have a Word for it DUTY. Needy and Clingy- I think is something we are when we are kids, once you have someone else depending on you(Kids, old parents) you cant afford to be that way. Its then our turn to be the Brave one, the one Who is Dependable, the one Who is Capable of Sheltering others, might as well do that Job well.
So many posts so little time...lol Just now doing an extended search of yours...and this one strikes a cord. You have such courage to write of the so-called frailties we have a difficult time admitting to.. and yet lonliness is uppermost for humankind. I have found that I created my own lonliness, through fear and frustration when no one understands me.. My thoughts and needs go uncommunicated... my heartbreaks unknown... my own shame that I can't be more, can't be the problem solver, can't be the hero. (Ego) Withdrawing from the pain that separation creates .. The vicious cycle spiraling into that black hole we create for ourselves...Busy-ness is a way to alter a perception.. to allow us to "forget" what we don't want to admit to..what we can't tolerate in our minds. The outward insanity cover-up. Lonliness happens. It is human.. It's the place we all have in our hearts and minds.. because no one can stand where we stand. 69 years of "lonliness", begun with a mother who refused to understand and chose to hate instead... Her disease spread to me.. and taught me well..I believe the wiser we become the more prospects of lonliness we tend to want to harbor. So I stand here trying to undertand wiseness and the futility it sometimes exudes. " No one likes a wise guy" syndrome.. preferring the clutter and expedience of busy-ness ..or more succinctly, denial. Similar to the more we learn the less we want to know. It's here the NOW makes sense to me.. that all that 'knowing' is so much hogwash.. and simply the "Being" gives me peace. And lonliness is forgotten in acceptance. Personal worth is not what surrounds me, but in how I force myself to open doors to human interaction in the face of pain and misundertanding. Human need is human contact.. whatever face it shows. We can't live with it and we can't live without it.
Very nice write that you have posted here Rashmi. Very much so.
Everyone has times that they have that period of time, for an extended one it's not healthy but this is very authentic.
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