Random Thought of the day- The Gift, not accepted, remains with the Giver.
In one of my weekend conversation with the little ones, I said that just because there are unkind kids at school doesnt mean that they have to be unkind to others. I do subscribe to the view that we dont need to let others mould us into something we dont want to be. Of course, its not an original thought, it did come somewhere from my childhood readings of Buddha. Specifically it came from a story I heard a long while ago. It goes something like this-
During his numerous wanderings, Buddha was once invited by a rich man to have dinner at his home. So at the appointed time Buddha arrives at the man's house and realizes that the Man had an agenda. The Man began to verbally abuse the Buddha for his teachings, the kind of man he was and the kind of followers he had. Buddha sat quietly until the man was done talking after which he got off his seat and left. The Disciples were very agitated with what they saw. They asked him why the Buddha did not say anything while the man was clearly being rude. The Buddha replied- I did not accept his gift and hence it is with him.
The idea is that Hatred does not end hatred so do not retaliate in Kind. Of course this applies only for what we view as negative behaviour. We would want to repay Kindness with kindness and Love with Love.
But as I told my kids to not be unkind even though the other is unkind, I was contradicting my own words in my mind. I have seen that not retaliating is considered as a weakness by most. I have seen that the Nice kids are the ones who become targets for bullying. I see the ones who are unruly are the ones who get to get away with what they do. And I wondered if I was doing right by my kids, telling them to be kind inspite of the unkindness. I wondered if I wasnt handicapping them in some way. If I wasnt making room for someone to think they can take advantage of them just because they are well-mannered-good kids(at least for the most part). Does that quote hold in today's world?
I hate the conflict my ideal world and the real world creates. It annoys me to see that what I see as right and want to teach kids to be like would become a hurdle for them to cross.
I struggle everyday with what I should do and say and how I should become so that my kids would have the ethics but also the smarts to live in a not so NICE world. How do we do whats right and make sure our kids arent scarred in some way? How do we make them People with a conscience in a everyday world without a conscience?
Walking in motherhood limbo
Rashmi.
11 comments:
I think you taught them well. And you know that too.
I always tell me kids to stay out of troubles and if they still have problems, there are adults who can help them with those.
In time you will find that coming from a background like yours will give your children much more structure than in an authentic American family. There are many traditions back there, and a different level of healthy relationships (within family and friends). I see this on all my friends coming from different countries.
I understand very well your conflict, this world is changing so fast - it is hard to keep up. And still hold the old Values High! I don't think you are doing wrong with that - you pass on your heritage to them, and this is good! And when it is time - they will also learn to stand up and fight for their case - in their own distinctive ways!
May that thought come to pass. I will be thinking of you when it does :).
This is one of those times when I miss having my family around. Thank you for making that void a little less:)
That is true, although how much of it they will imbibe is yet to be seen.
Hugs..
Stick to your values and they will learn from you. Hugs from Milli.
People have to choose their battles. Sometimes it's better to walk away. It depends on what's at stake. If it's just a matter of pride and losing face, then I walk away.
you have no idea how your blog here touches me, i have a son, he is 9 years old, he is usually very nice and polite and he never got into problems in school until this year, he came back from school with a note: he hit a friend so hard in the face that the poor boy fell on the floor...I just could not believe what i was reading...so i told him violence was never an option and that i disagreeded with what he had done...he went on explainning Mom this boy always chose a victim and annoys him, he was behing me in the rank and was hitting my head, i told him 5 times to stop, the sixth time i just turned around and hit him he fell on the floor i will have consequences, copy and ''retenus'' but at least he will not bother me again...i met with the teacher and she told me that my son is usually very calm, that she had to give him consequences for what he did but that in a way she understood why he did it, I still do not know what to think about all that, i am against violence...i cannot tell him ''you did the right thing my son'' my husband tried to explain to me that this is how it is, he has to provw to the other boys in the class that he is not ready to accept anything and that he is not a coward...I still do not know what is the right thing to tell him...I agree with gilesy01 walk away is a good option...but it is not always possible.
@ Giles.. I know I will have to let them learn what battles to pick and what to let go. I have walked away for the most part of my life. For the most part I was glad I exercised self-control but there have been times I feel regret for doing so. There are times when I wished I had punched that smirking face or given them a verbal beating they cant get up from(for all my calm I have my storms too).
@ Anita, all you can do now is to let your son know that you understand but that every action has a consequence which he will have to take responsibility for(I just noticed its so easy for me to give you your options on what to do-the hypocrit that I am :P).
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