Loneliness

I wish I could say- I am never lonely. But I would be lying. There are days when the only image in my head is a vast open space, no trees, no rivers, no birds, no people, NOTHING. Just me standing on this wide open area and there is no one there. I am scared sometimes, fine sometimes, but mostly scared. Today is one of them. I look at what I have become today and what I used to be yesterday and I see changes. Not good or bad, but just changes that I wish didn’t change or glad it changed.

I have people I know, or at least claim to know. I know, I only know what they are willing to reveal, what they are comfortable revealing to me. There will always be parts that I will never know and parts only I know about them. I also know I can’t share what I know about them with anyone else, b’cause when they spoke to me, there was a silent, sacred vow of trust that was made. A vow that I will not say anything about them that others don’t already know.

But in spite of all the people I know and the people I share my life with, I do get lonely. I am not always alone when I am lonely. But I do seek to be alone when I am lonely. I feel that is logical- to feel lonely because you are alone, compared to feeling lonely in spite of all the people surrounding you.

Over time I have learned to hide behind chores, never letting anyone in on my melancholy existence. Yes, I hide behind chores, like the many people I know. They are constantly busy, any attempt at asking them to meet up and spend some time together goes unaccepted. They might accept out of obligation, or cause they cant be rude for the 3rd time or the 4th. But I see through that. I notice the lack of attention while conversing or the constant fidgeting with their stuff or the furtive glances at the clock or the wrist watch. I know they want to be elsewhere doing something else, so I stopped asking them to get together. You see, I am poor, the only gift I can give is the gift of my time, unhurried time.

I wasn’t always this lonely. Somewhere over my period of life, I began to feel a sense of hypocrisy in all these numerous associations we make through life. The labels we give to relationships- Friend, pal, buddy, sister, brother, spouse, colleague, boss, fan, idol. The boxes of time we allot in accordance to organizing time, the reminders on our palm-pilots of important days, the obligatory gifts we give on their birthdays, anniversaries, mothers days, fathers day, grandparents day etc…We call it prioritizing and scheduling. I wonder how much it actually means if it wasn’t something that was done because we Wanted to do but Had to do. After all if something is important to us we wouldn’t need so many reminders or formalities, would we?

Remember that first love, did we ever need so many reminders about when we are meeting, what we are eating or what gifts we are giving? We just wanted time with that person. That’s what IMPORTANCE means, you give the only real gift you can give…Your Time. And like Gifts, you need to pack it without hurry, without worry, without expecting something in return. Time given not for the money or the fame or the name or the appreciation, but because its all you have, that is yours to give. I know what makes me lonely it but I cant remedy it in this very busy world of mine. You see, to give you have to have someone who will receive.