Restlessly Seeking

It's a small world, they say, with places to see and things to do, People to meet and talk to. For the most part of my life, I am the watcher, I watch people, I watch myself, and I wonder, "Why is it so difficult to connect?" When all we have to do is trust and be ourselves. Maybe, we are mere bumps on a huge stretch of invisible foil of connectivity, but we only see the chasm, while sitting on the bump. "Is this all?" I ask "this is all there is to life?" - all I have is a bundle of habits, contradictions, paradoxes, cliche' and ironies. There is nothing I can conclude and hope for it to stay constant.

What do I wish for? I wish no one ever went hungry to bed or had any disease. I wish everyone felt loved, cared for and had someone who wished the best for them. I wish there was an answer to world peace. I feel a sinking helplessness when I see the maimed youth, crying orphans, widows selling their bodies for food, widowers selling their kids for food, elders who have no one to care for them, bruised trees, poisoned waters, cracked earth soaked in blood and ashes from insatiable fires of greed, power and bestiality. A sneer escapes me "Yes, there are winners in a war."

I want to shake people and make them see the beauty there is to life and living, with its rich tapestry of emotions, ways of thinking and creativity. I want to make them listen to different kinds of music everyday, so that they are reminded that life, like music, isn't all about the noise and sounds but the quiet pauses in between the notes.

I want to run away, in the hope that I can be free. Then I hear a voice chuckle and say "you can never be free, you are here, tied to the NOW, no matter how you worry about the future or how badly you crave the past, you are here, right now in the NOW, so make the best use of it". I would love to soar like an eagle and feel the wind beneath my wings. The courage to raise my face to the wind in defiance, as if to say... "You may blow strong but I still know where I am going."

I want to say so many things but silence reigns. Words do not tumble like I do, through life. If I could be all the things I want to be “I would be a Student of life, a healer, a teacher, never dwelling in the past but be able to BE. I catch its glimpse every now and then and then it becomes Been or will be. With all these thoughts taking over, I try to calm down and rest but Rest eludes me... At best, I am Restless.

My Restlessness drives me to seek the meaning of Life. Why me? Why here? Why Now? Why with these others? Why this path? What purpose? To What end? These are the questions that plague me.  "Life is what you make it", the elders say. While to me, the walk of life, is long and tedious. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but I am compelled to walk. There is no place to get to, there is only the walk. Along the way, my eyes scan the landscape, looking for some movement, seeking things of beauty, the kind that may not be apparent at first sight. I seek people who are camouflaged by other brighter people, for I know they bear the best gifts. I seek people who seek, so that I know we are Kindred spirits. I seek to observe, from the minute patterns on a Leaf to the subtle expressions on people's face. My mind, seeks to look into the depths of feeling within the people I know, to understand the measure of feeling if any. My mind wants to be able to lend muted comfort to those in need of comforting, just because it could. I seek to do things for the sake of doing, because I can do them for now. I seek the teachers, whose soul is as old as the earth itself. For in their understanding, I feel I will learn all there is, I will learn to BE. I seek Knowing, knowing of Self, through which I feel I will know the others. I seek the darkness, for I feel, that is when I will find light. I seek light, so that the darkness in me will not consume me. I seek an understanding of all that IS. I know that I cant KNOW everything but still I strive. For in striving I feel my existence. I seek people who cultivate nobleness and know to walk in truth, no matter the consequences. For I feel, from them I will learn courage. I seek Love, the kind that will set me Free. For then, I will feel no need to "Hold On". I seek strength, the kind that needs no proving. For then, I will learn Humility. I seek harmony within and outside of me. For then I can achieve Peace. I seek to satiate my senses, while learning to transcend them. My mind seeks Joy, the kind that has no reason outside of our selves. I know not if my reasons for seeking are True or if they will Hold. I could be wrong in my understanding of why I seek or how to seek. I know not if I will find what I seek but I seek all the same. It's something I can do, apart from "Living". So I seek, till I realize with all of my Being that, what I seek, I already Have.