I have lost count of the times when I told myself I wouldn't do the things that I observe others to be doing wrong. But life has other plans. There I sat watching, Nirmal, as she watched Amit through her eye lashes. I knew she was very much in love with him. They knew each other from school but to Amit she was just his friend/study mate. With all my 18 years of wisdom I thought she should let him know how she felt. After all what is the worse that could happen. In case he doesn't accept her love and reciprocate then it's not like she had it in the first place to lose it.
My best friend had really beautiful eyes and long lashes. I envied her graceful calm face. We met in the most difficult year for most of us. This was the time when most of us left familiar things of our childhood and headed out to college. Most of us hoped we would find someone from school to be friends with or we had to forge new relationships with strangers.
We studied in a co-ed college and it was a ritual every morning to meet at the canteen and have a hot cup of coffee before classes start. We would chat, laugh, tell each other jokes or just sit back quietly and enjoy our coffee. We shared a very comfortable camaraderie.
The guys knew how to be guys with their loud, sometimes obnoxious way of talking, laughing and burping. The girls knew how to be girls with their constant obsession with the way they look and discussions about who is with whom and who got the latest fashion.
Nirmal was different, which is what made me want to be her friend in the first place. She always behaved very maturely.. While all the girls of our class were busy with their respective celebrity crushes, she was the only one who would discuss class work, projects to be done and extra curricular activities to gain extra credit on. She was also good at painting and writing stories, a talent I wish I had. She was the oldest in her family with two sisters. She knew her responsibilities as the elder daughter who every one looked up to.
So here we were, one day, sitting at the college canteen discussing the newest movie in town. Amit was very impressed with the songs in the movie and one song in particular. He had a good voice, so at our request, he began to sing the song he had heard. It was a love song, with beautiful romantic lyrics. Nirmal sat there totally mesmerized with his voice, as were we. I could see that she was more affected by the song the rest of us girls put together. I silently willed her to get together with Amit after the song and let him in on how she felt.
Nirmal was of the opinion that, you cant change someone's feeling for another by merely telling them how you felt. If Amit was in love with her she reasoned that he would have told her so by now, after all guys need to make the first move if they intend a relationship. Watching Nirmal go through the painful time of not ever letting her love show, I decided that if I ever love a person, he would know, even if he doesn't feel the same way as I do about him. I should have known this thought would come to bite me at some time in the future.
We were in the last year of college. In waltzes, Rohit, he was a transfer student from Delhi. A very well mannered, soft spoken, broad shouldered, charming person, Rohit was. He was unlike the other guys in our college. He never had to be guy like for us to feel he was a guy. He had this quiet confident air about him.. His father was a Major in the Army and was constantly being sent around the country. He had friends all over the place. I like to think that he never shared any deep friendships with anyone, until he met me.
The day he arrived at our college, we were in the middle of a physics lecture when the head of the department of physics peeped in with Rohit in tow. He had the deepest dark eyes I had ever seen. He also had a wonderful smile, very endearing, the kind that melts your heart. Perfectly set teeth shone in his mouth when he smiled. He didn't look nervous in spite of walking into a new college in the middle of the year.
Mr. Shaam, our physics HOD(head of the department) introduced Rohit to our class and said that we had to accommodate him and help him catch up to what we have done so far in our class. I sat there totally tongue-tied, a trait that is quite unlike me. I just stared at him like I had never ever seen a boy, nay, a man in my life.
For the next few days, my life was a daze. All I could do was think of Rohit, I had incomplete homework, reading that was unfinished, lab-work that didn't seem right and a whopping headache from the stress of it all, but in all the chaos, I had this dreamy smile on my face, like the cat that just had some cream. Nirmal noticed that there was something very wrong with me. She coerced me into telling her about my "crush" on Rohit. I knew nothing of the guy other than his deep eyes, soft voice and broad shoulders.. Surely a girl must know more before she has a crush, shouldn't she?
Finally the day came at the canteen, when Rohit was introduced formally to us girls; I said a "hello, glad to make your acquaintance". He said "likewise" and smiled.. my feet felt like they landed in clay. They were huge puddles of nothingness. But I like to think I hid well, although Nirmal knew now what was wrong with me. After the snacks, Nirmal said that I should take my own advice and talk to Rohit about the way I felt about him. Of course, I thought that was the right thing to do, but I couldn't work up the nerve to go and talk to him face to face.
After 3 months of trying to pump my courage, I decided that enough was enough and told Rohit that I would like to talk to him "alone". He agreed, and I was thrilled.. so we were to meet at the cafeteria at the end of the same street as our college was. I was so happy the entire morning, I was thoroughly excited too. As usual, the 17 of us classmates congregated at the canteen for our regular coffee and snacks.
In the course of the conversation, the topic changed to marriage, and we started discussing how many of us would marry soon after college.. and when it was Rohits turn he said, that he was engaged to be married in 6 months.. I was shocked.. but I was relieved too. I would have made such a fool of myself had I told him about my crush before this event. So I did the next best thing I could.. I decided to invite all the classmates to the cafeteria, cause it was my treat. I never ever told Rohit, I pinned inside and hoped that it would phase out. I remembered the words I said to Nirmal "Tell him, how you feel, whether he reciprocates or rejects, its up to him". I could tell Rohit too, but I didn't. I was very sure he would reject my feelings for him, after all the fact that he mentioned he is engaged means he is serious about the relationship. On one hand I was glad that he was such a man of character. On the other hand, I wished he wasn't and felt guilty at such a base thought. I was reminded of Nirmal's words "It has to happen to you to know". Now that the boot was on my feet.. OUCH! it hurts.
So this was how it felt. This was how it would be with me. My very first crush was totally crushed. The next few months I threw myself into studies, homework was done, every lab-work repeated, every borrowed book was read without missing a word. I completely avoided being at the canteen with the rest of them for more than a few minutes, as that's all I could take, of Rohit's presence. I ached inside. An ache that told me this was more than a crush, which of course, I emphatically denied.
Our Finals were done and all of us got through, we made plans for our futures, who would apply where for a job, who would continue to do their Masters. I was invited to Rohit's wedding, which I did not attend. I don't remember the reason I gave him, but that was the day, my tears overflowed the dam I had built. I stayed in my room the entire day, taking turns to cry and to sleep.
It been over 2 decades now since all this happened, but there is still a dull ache inside. We have never met after college and I pray to heavens above that it never happens, for I have begun to like the ache, it's a reminder of my youth, of what could have been , of what I will never know, of how deep I could feel. I am possessive of that ache. Once in a while my husband asks what it is that makes me so sad yet serene.. should I tell him? No I wont, cause its my treasure, a treasure I will carry to my grave.
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