Looking Over 2010

Its that time of the year when I look back on the year that has passed.  I could say “Its been a good year” Or “All is as it should be” and let it be at that…Hmm, maybe that isn’t a bad idea, after all what can I gain from re-hashing the last year.  On the Other Hand, this could prove an exercise in seeing how much I actually remember, which will show how much I have been PRESENT.

The last year was tough for me in some aspects and easy on others. I missed my mother, the times we talked in the week.  Looking back, I feel guilty for a few things…I wasn’t as Magnanimous as I wanted to be. I was petty in some aspects. I held on when I could have let it go. I spoke when I should have held my tongue. I got mad when I could have walked away. Instead of making choices where I am empowered, I chose indifference and apathy.  All of the above leads to negativity and I had made it my goal to practice being more positive in the daily workings of my life. Of course, I can choose to feel guilty all the time or I can feel guilt once and then let it go. After all we don’t need to punish ourselves more than once for ONE crime.  Note to self :  Keep Practicing being Positive, instead of Thinking of being Positive.

I read a lot last year, but wrote very little. Hopefully, I will get around to doing the reviews of some of the books I read.  I had lots to say about the different things happening around the world, but didn’t feel like saying it. At times I think its cause I am Lazy, at other times I think “What’s the point of saying it anyway? It makes too much noise when I voice it and Nothing will change, except for me expending unnecessary energy.” Note to Self : If you want to say something, just say and be done with it. Make it a discipline to write once a week or everyday for 15 minutes

I haven’t been productive on the financial front… It is something I need to remedy. I haven’t done any doodles or paintings or crocheted or made any jewelry.  I didn’t exercise as much as I had set a goal to do.  I did cook more than usual as I tried out making pickles and baked dishes(my nemesis, I don’t enjoy baking). I did Pranayama more.  I went for more walks but it wasn’t regular.  I practiced flute more but I am not any better at getting the count or the rhythm.  Note to self : Just DO IT.

We had a fantastic Summer… I guess, it will be something to remember for a long while.  We did quiet a lot of hiking. I was amazed at my children for staying with it and not giving up mid way on some of the hikes. We visited Lakes and water falls, we saw birds flying below us, deer in the wild, Turkey vultures in the wild. We experienced the silence of the woods, the sereneness of the lakes, the sunset at the beach. We visited Vancouver and Victoria. And come winter, we went on our first snow shoeing trip at Mount Hood.  It was awesome as it was tiring.  This was the only place we had to turn back before we finished the trek, cause my daughter wasn’t very happy with the cold creeping up her fingers and toes. We did archery a lot. I am a bad shot…I cant hit the bulls eye if it were staring at me. I wonder what happened to the shot that was me, could it be that my eyesight is failing?  My children are better than me. Of course, my Husband is PERFECT :P.

I am going to hit the big 40 this year…I am trying to understand what the big deal is, when I really don’t feel the age and I don’t mean that I don’t have wrinkles or grey hair or times when I forget what I wanted to say, as I was saying it. I seem to be on a see saw…There are days I wake up thinking “Oh No! I am going to be late to school. I will miss my bus” and then there are days when I wake up thinking “Oh do I really need to get up, couldn’t someone else take over and leave me alone” But there are things that haven’t changed – I am very easily amused. I tend to see what others missed. I still choose to have peace. I still Live and Let Live.  I still like to spend time alone.  I LOVE my early morning Coffee. I love good stories, movies, books, poetry, sculptures. I still love the trees and flowers and still hate the feeling when I see the spider. I love sleeping in on cold days and waking up at the crack of dawn during warm days. I love the sunshine, the wind in my face. I still hate getting my hair cut.  I still have an accent when I speak English and I still look typically Indian.  My preferences in food, hasn’t changed- still cant stand milk and still love Indian food. Oh and Last but not least, I still have the SAME Husband , children, family and friends that I had last year *giggling*.

My family has been my source of joy.  Yes, the dynamics in the relationship is changing. My children are becoming more independent, more opinionated, more knowing than I was at their age. My husband still makes me laugh, still listens to my late night rants and still makes me feel the extremes of emotions. My father makes me wonder if I wasnt switched at birth. My brother makes me swing between being grateful hes there and wishing he wasnt there.  So the way I figured, I have HOPELESS relationships with Men *giggling*. Its the women in my life that keep me even keeled, head in the right place.  Guess we cant have everything.

On the Internet, I have enjoyed some awesome reads, spoke to really  Lovely People, Practiced speaking bits of Korean. To All my friends here on Multiply, Thank you! for being who you are.  When you Write, leave comments, have conversations with me, you make my world a more beautiful place. I value your thoughts and comments. They show me parts of me I didn’t know about, they re-enforce the ones I knew, they help change the ones that aren’t helping me. I hope your visits here are as enjoyable as my visits with you.

This year… I am going to rewire my brain to change some definitions for words I generally use.

Abundance – it used to be “having as much as I need materially, emotionally, spiritually”. This year it will be “The ability to do what you want to do, when you need to do it” I want to remove the others in the equation… waiting on others is a path to disappointment.

Discipline – It used to mean “having a routine to incorporate all that needs to be done and strictly following it. If I cant follow it then there is some form of punishment”. This year it will be “Mastering myself to regulate my own conduct when needed to follow rules, my own and those that are conducive to a Joyful Life”  I realize that the need for enforcement comes only when I am unable to be the Master of Myself.

Listening – It used to be “If I am free and interested in what you are saying I will listen”. This year it will be, “Listening, when you come up to me and wish to be listened to. Paying full attention, to the person talking, without looking at the time or letting my mind wander. Listening without thinking about the next thing I need to do, without any judgment or preoccupation.” I realize that most times, my brain is busy trying to figure the NEXT thing to do or get done, that when my children come to tell me something, I am half listening. I need to change that.

Now as this year moves ahead. I hope, in spite of what looks like chaos around us, ALL of us move through with the Knowing that at Any Moment all we need to do is BE All there. We have a choice in every moment to chose Harmony or Chaos, for peace is within us.  To make it through with all of our Being, in whatever shape or form we are, to do our best. When we get to the end of this year, I hope, we can look back with more smiles than regrets and say “It was a Good Year”.

Thank you all for reading through and for leaving your thoughts. Have a Wonderful Year!

Peace

Rashmi